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Tag: Quick Read

  • Top 5 Things I wish I Knew Before I Lost a Loved One

    Top 5 Things I wish I Knew Before I Lost a Loved One

    The hardest lessons that we learn in life are the ones where we don’t get a second chance to apply the lessons learned. The death of a loved one is one of the most painful experiences that we can survive. In my opinion, the pain comes from the unanswered questions that fill our mind after we realize we lost the opportunity to ask them. The pain comes from realizing that the reconciliation that we have been putting off because of our own pride, can no longer happen. The pain comes from the inability to picture what life without that loved one will look like. If only I had understood the lessons below, I believe that the pain wouldn’t be quite so crushing.  

    Never wait for the right time to tell someone how you feel

    I was young. I was starting to see my career skyrocket. I was rapidly moving through the corporate ranks, flying around the world for meetings, and attending top conferences in my industry. Throughout that journey, I would talk to my Mom on a daily basis. She was always there to use her brutal honesty in a beautifully tender way to let me know when I was about to do, or already did, something stupid. She has always been my sounding board.

    The last conversation I had with my mom is one that will always stay with me. The phone conversation ended with her normal joyful and light-hearted disposition giving way to a more reserved and quiet demeanor. After prying to find out what was wrong, she said there was something she wanted to talk about, but she wanted to wait for me to come back to town. I had just arrived at my hotel for a work conference and I’m sure she thought whatever she wanted to say might burden me to the point I wouldn’t enjoy the conference. Less than 12 hours later I received a call to my hotel room at 3:00 AM telling me that my mom had a stroke and was in the ICU. 

    The “right time” to tell someone what is on your heart or how you are feeling is right now. It may feel awkward, the other person might not know how to react or what to say, but if the next time you can express yourself to them is during their eulogy, then you have done a disservice to them and will cause significant hurt for yourself. Whether the feeling you want to share is positive or negative, there won’t be a right time. In my case, there wasn’t enough time. 

    The words that someone uses to ask a question do not always reflect the real request a person is making

    I’m a very literal person and I often make the mistake of thinking other people are the same way. I have a paradigm that compels me to believe that when people communicate, they are carefully choosing the words that they use to craft the clearest message they can. I’ve known that my paradigm is wrong, but I didn’t understand until after my Grandpa passed away from brain cancer. 

    As my Grandpa’s health started declining I made more frequent trips to his home to spend time with him and do whatever chores I could. Every time I would step through the front door he would ask me if I wanted a coffee. I was on the border of needing high blood pressure medication and my doctor recommended I cut coffee out of my diet. (I used to drink multiple pots a day). Every time my Grandpa would offer me coffee, I would politely reject his offer because I had to focus on my health. 

    After he passed away, as I was working through my grief, I recognized that I wasn’t listening to what he was asking. As I was growing up my Grandpa and I would drink coffee together regularly. Whether we were at his home, my home, or out to lunch. Drinking coffee was our ritual. During those declining months, he wasn’t offering me coffee because he was a good host. He was asking me to help him forget the pain of his current situation. He wanted to briefly return to a happier, familiar, and normal time. Every time I rejected his offer, I denied him what he was really asking for. My blood pressure would have been okay if I shared a few more cups of coffee with my Grandpa.

    Do not take personal any actions or statements that a bereaved person makes

    My Father-figure shared an incredible life secret with me before my wedding. He told me that in life there are three events that can facilitate the healing of almost any relationship: weddings, the birth of children, and deaths. The only way we can allow healing to begin is by opening our hearts and practicing more patience with those around us. Hopefully, they will do the same for us.

    When someone we love passes away it is unpredictable how we will respond. It is unpredictable how others will respond. It’s almost like we put our emotions into a pot, put the lid on it, put it on the stove, and turn up the heat as high as it will go. Every pot will handle that heat differently. Some will have a rolling boil while the top might blow off of others. The misapplication of heat is not the fault of the pot.

    As people try to find a path through their own grieving journey they may inadvertently hurt those around them. A family friend described the phenomenon as “hurt people, hurt people.” This beautifully concise statement is not a law, but it reframes what may feel like an attack against us into a plea for help. I made the mistake of taking things personally. This not only damaged my relationships but also stunted my own healing from the family loss.

    You don’t know people nearly as much as you think you do

    Growing up I spent a good amount of time with my Grandpa. Not as much as I wish I could have of course, but I am grateful for every moment we had. I could tell you just about anything you’d want to know about him. His hobbies, his military career, his dedication to his church and community. He is my Grandpa after all.

    One of the most powerful traditions following a death is for friends and other family members to share stories of the deceased with the grieving family. I learned that when my Grandpa was in high school he would race the school bus that was carrying his future bride of 63 years. I knew my Grandpa was a bit of a rascal when he was young, but all that was going through my head was, “My Grandpa did what when he was a kid?!”

    To borrow a line from Shrek, it’s not only ogres that are like onions. People have layers too. The nature of your relationship with a person will determine which layers of their story will be revealed to you. Sometimes we can stumble upon these different corners of the people we love, but oftentimes they will remain hidden. As people share stories about your loved one, listen carefully. You will learn that your loved one was stronger, braver, smarter, funnier, and kinder than you ever knew them to be.

    The best story in the world is hidden in your family members

    After hearing some of the stories about my Mom and Grandpa I had a few questions. Questions that I would have loved to ask them. Questions that only they had answers to. “What could have possibly been going through your mind when you did that? How did you feel after that happened to you? Why did you think that when none of your peers did? Who inspired you to become the incredible beacon in this world that you are?”

    Unless you are lucky enough to find a journal that the deceased used to capture their feelings and thoughts, many of those questions will go unanswered. Personally, I have struggled with these questions and many others that are more significant. While I won’t be able to learn the answers to all of the questions I have. I am still able to learn the answers to different questions that I am coming up with daily. I recently learned that my Great-grandparent’s relationship started because mail was delivered to the wrong person that happened to share an identical name. 

    By learning about the people in our family we open an epic saga with more twists and turns than the most talented authors can craft. The saga is gripping not only because of yesteryear’s foreign customs and practices but because at the end of the winding storyline, you actually make an appearance. You gain an appreciation for life, your place in it, and for the people around you that is impossible to put into words. The best way to find motivation, community, and strength is by discovering your own origin story. Selfishly learn about yourself by generously listening to the stories of the people you love.

    Conclusion:

    As awkward as some of these practices are, I’ve tried to incorporate them into my life. I’ve noticed a significant improvement in my own mental health and wellbeing. If you have never lost anyone I hope that you think about adopting some of these lessons. For those of you who have lost loved ones, what do you think about these lessons? What is the most impactful lesson that you have learned from losing a loved one?

  • Farewell Father Poem – The Power of Poetry

    Farewell Father Poem – The Power of Poetry

    Art has an undeniable ability to touch parts of our hearts that are often locked away and only accessible through our subconscious. Not every piece of art has the keys to unlock the guarded door, and we can’t predict if a sculpture, painting, or song will be the arrow that pierces our soul. Even if you aren’t typically able to understand art, like me, we can still appreciate great art when we see it. During my darkest hour of grieving, after we had lost 5 of our relatives and then had to put our cat of 17 years to sleep, I came across a poem that struck at my core. It simultaneously hurt to read the truth it carried and healed much of the pain I had been enduring up to this point.

    At a Glance

    A Story From My Grief Journey – Hidden Source of Pain

    After experiencing so much loss in a short period of time, the pain of losing a loved one had become commonplace. Through all of the hurt, I constantly asked myself why? Why do I feel so much pain? Why is it that I still have so much pain surrounding my Mother’s death when it was over 3 years ago? Why can’t I seem to find any kind of closure? Why can’t I just move on!

    That question of “why” plagued me for years. Rationally I know that everyone will die. Logically the people that we are closest to will hurt the most to lose. The question of “why can’t I just move on?” was answered when I learned about Dr. Tony Walter’s New Model of Grief. After months of reading, I still couldn’t answer what caused the intensity of my pain.

    It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the most powerful poem I encountered during my grief journey that I finally understood. Three lines and only 13 words. Those 13 words provided me with clarity of not only my own grief but exactly what I had seen in others. Those insightful 13 words are:

    “I have lost. Not the memory of my father, but my father’s memory.”

     

    An Excerpt of Farewell Father, by Stefan Molyneux

    (You can view the entire poem by clicking here)

    The Effect on My Life

    After hearing those 13 words from the poem, I understood that my pain was coming from the idea that I might lose my Mother’s memory. As I mentioned in my post about The Top 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before Losing A Loved One, I talked to my Mom daily. Even though I talked to her daily, there is still so much that I don’t know about her. Ultimately I was afraid of losing the things that I did know about her; the nuances of her personality, the quirkiness of her sense of humor, and the tenderness of her heart.

    After her second stroke, our roles reversed, and I was more of a caregiver than a son. Our conversations turned from her history and experiences to ensuring she took her medication and ate that day. Then, all of a sudden, without my input, I could never ask her another question. The great privilege of learning about her was no longer available to me because of the third stroke, which ultimately claimed her life. There were many serious (or maybe “important” is the right word) topics that I wanted to talk about, but I wanted to wait for the appropriate time. Now there was no time, no conversations, and no answers.

    Nearly 3 years after my mom passed away, I lost my Grandpa to brain cancer. We had over a year together from his diagnosis to his passing. Throughout his declining health, I began helping with some chores, hydration therapy, picking him up if he fell, and staying by his side when he was in the hospital. While the hospital visits were not the best reason to be together, they were a huge gift to me, and I like to think that he also enjoyed our time together. We talked about my Mom (his daughter), shared tears about our loss, and we talked about his experiences through life. 

    I always knew my Grandpa, but I only knew him as my Grandpa. Through those conversations, I was able to see a sliver of him as a soldier, a friend, a community member, a father, and a husband. His lessons about the importance of dedication to wife and kids became the foundation of what I am striving for in my own family. I had time to ask questions and learn from my Grandpa before I lost him.

    The biggest difference between losing my Mom and losing my Grandpa is the number of intentional conversations we had. With my Mom, I didn’t recognize that there was a time limit on our time together, and I put off those intentional conversations. With my Grandpa, it was a race to collect, just like the poem referenced, as many stories from his exclusive library as possible.

     

    Recreating The Library

    After someone is buried, it is common for the people in attendance to share their fondest memories with the surviving family. I realized that those conversations are actually like the process of returning a book to the library. The stories comfort the family because the family reclaims a part of the person that they have lost. While it is impossible to rebuild the entire library, we can preserve enough to have a very good representation of the person we lost.

    I found the process of collecting as many of these memories as possible to be the best medicine for the pain immediately following my losses. On the long road of healing after my losses, I occasionally fall into low spots. By returning to the library of memories I collected and focussing on the incredible life of the person I lost and their impacts on the people in their lives, I quickly put myself in a much better mood.

    This idea is what inspired me to begin developing a website that will allow me to easily collect stories and memories, store them in a safe place, and return to them any time I wanted. I noticed that as people shared stories with me about someone I lost, I would often be reminded of another story. When I would share the story I was reminded of, it would inspire the listener to share a different story. The more people that participated, the more stories I could collect. The more stories I could collect, the less my grieving journey hurt.

     

    Conclusion:

    You never know what will inspire you. You don’t know when it will happen. You don’t know the magnitude of change that will come. For me, thirteen words from a poem inspired me to embark on a quest to ease the pain of losing loved ones for as many people as possible. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to start collecting books for your library!

    What do you think of this poem? Are there any pieces of art that have helped you on your grieving journey? Is there a piece that you want me to cover? If you are curious about the website I used to collect and store memories, join our mailing list to receive exclusive updates!

  • The Best Method for Healthy Grieving

    The Best Method for Healthy Grieving

    If you are like me, when you are in the middle of being swallowed by grief, you are hoping that anything will come to lift you out of that negative place. You can engage in many activities that will temporarily dull the pain of your loss, but they come at the expense of your future. In this article, you’ll find some of the healthier practices that can help you work through your pain today without sacrificing your future self.

    Admittedly, the title of the article is slightly misleading. There is not a single method or path that leads to the most healthy grieving process. That said, there are several common traps to avoid and several positive actions you should try to employ. The purpose of this post is to help you navigate the minefield that I experienced during my grief journey.

    This is going to be a longer post. For those of you that would like the highlight reel, here are the major bullet points to aid your grieving journey. If you’d like a little more detail, you can either click on the topic you want to explore more or scroll down for the rest of the article.

    The Traps to Avoid

    Healthy Grieving Tips

    The Traps of Grief

    Don’t Be Surprised By New Emotions

    Throughout my childhood and adult life, I’ve received positive feedback about my ability to keep a positive and even temperament despite the situations that surrounded me. I actually came to pride myself on being (I’m going to create a new word here)” “unrattle-able.” Then my Mom passed away. 

    For the six weeks she was in the ICU, I was able to keep my cool while talking to hospital staff or family. I was with her as she passed. In the first hour after, I felt like the world was muted. The sounds of the machines that had been keeping my mom alive disappeared. I couldn’t hear the rush hour traffic outside anymore. Time just seemed to melt away. After that hour passed, I was consumed by anger. To this day, I can’t tell you what I was really angry at, but I was willing to direct it at the first person that dared to, in my opinion at the time, misstep.

    I have never been angry like that in my life. Like I mentioned in the article about the Top 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Lost A Loved One, hurt people have a tendency to hurt people. I was projecting my pain onto others. Anger was my surprise emotion. It very well could have been depression, relief, confusion, hopelessness, contentment, and even joy that our loved one is no longer in pain. After your loved one passes away, emotions (or the lack of emotions) are going to come to you. Recognize those emotions and try to reframe them into more positive expressions. Just don’t be surprised when you may be feeling an emotion for the first time or stronger than you have experienced before.

    Grief Recovery Doesn’t Happen On A Timeline

    Today, more than 3 years after my Mom passed away, I am still grieving losing her. I am able to talk about her, and the negative feelings surrounding her death are mostly gone. I still have moments of sadness when I think about things like her missing the birth of my firstborn child by 4 months. Overall those sad moments are becoming fewer and farther between. 

    I was able to get to this same stage of grief recovery for my Grandpa in a significantly shorter time. I may have reached this stage faster because I have more experience now, but I think it is because I had so many more intentional conversations with my Grandpa. In my post about the poem “Farewell Father,” I talk about how the source of my pain came from the list of unanswered questions that I had. I was able to get more of those answers from my Grandpa before he passed away than I did from my mom. 

    There are so many different factors that can affect your individual grieving timeline that it is impossible to make a one size fits all plan. I can tell you that your experience will be unique to you. Don’t compare your experience to anyone else’s. Don’t try to rush through it. Let your grief unfold as it happens. You will recover in time.

    Prematurely “Moving On” and Forgetting Can Prolong Your Pain

    When I lost the people I care about, in moments of weakness, I would wish that I could forget about them. My pain was too great, and I was sure that if I could remove them from my memory, I could finally move on. I mistakenly believed that the faster they were left behind, the faster I could move forward. Looking back, I can see how I caused myself more pain. 

    One of my favorite quotes about bereavement comes from a research paper by Dr. Tony Walter on The New Model of Grief. He quotes a family friend that said, “..we should keep the spirit of the deceased alive, that we acknowledge them as a continuing member of our family and community. We are who we are in part because of who they were, and we are denying reality if we try to leave them entirely behind.”

    I don’t think that we ever really “move on” from someone that has had a significant role in our lives. Whether that person is deceased or still alive, their absence from our life is painful. The solution is not to remove the person from our memory but to find an appropriate place for them. We should recognize their contributions to who we are. 

    Focussing On Your Grief And Loss Will Intensify Your Pain

    After my Mom and my Grandpa passed away, I recognized that my thought process was pretty negative. I quickly corrected my behavior after my Grandpa passed, but there were still multiple times that I would slip back into it. As I would stew in that negativity, everything and anything that other people did just frustrated me. I would have thoughts like, “How could this person disrespect MY Mom that way?!” and “There is no way that Grandpa would approve of this!”

    In reality, my Mom wasn’t being disrespected. My Grandpa probably would have just chuckled at whatever was happening. Because I was focusing on my own negative feelings, I convinced myself that my deceased loved ones would feel the same way. After I made myself believe that my loved ones were being disrespected, I only made myself more angry, for a longer period of time, and at a higher intensity.

    The secret I discovered to avoid focussing on my grief was to help others with theirs. As I talked to my friends and family about their fondest memories of my deceased family, I could see that they enjoyed sharing those memories, and selfishly I enjoyed being reminded of certain personality quirks that I had forgotten about. Instead of focusing on the negative feelings, focus on remembering the deceased’s character and all of the good they contributed to this world.

    The Roadmap Of Grief Recovery 

    Be Honest About Your Feelings

    I am a very reserved person. I rarely let anyone know what I am experiencing on the inside. That trait serves me well in many situations, but healing from grief isn’t one of them. I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone because I didn’t want them to feel the weight of my depression. As I tried to deal with my grief alone, I became incredibly lonely. 

    I had to meet with the estate lawyers, I had to organize the funeral, I had to contact the creditors, and I had to (try to anyway) be a good husband and father. It all became too much. When I started to ask for help, I was surprised how many people were able to step up. In fact, they were eager to do whatever they could for me. They were only waiting for me to say what I needed. As an added bonus, they felt better knowing that they are able to do something that helped me.

    There were a couple of people that were a bit “too helpful.” Trying to be as honest but still respectful as possible, I thanked them for all of their support up to that point and explained that now I needed some time for myself. They didn’t take any offense, and as quickly as they came to help, they then gave me space. If you don’t know what you need, that is a great place to start with people. You can always say, “I just don’t know yet.” The key is just being honest.

    Give Yourself Permission To Be Alone

    Not everyone finds comfort in groups. I’m an introvert. While I can function in groups, I feel exhausted by the end of the affair. So many of the events that follow someone’s death involve gatherings of people. Many times as a surviving family member, others will want to interact with you. Everyone who comes to you has the best intentions, but sometimes you need a break from it all.

    There were several times where I turned off my phone and went for a drive. I mentioned earlier that you can help yourself by helping others with their grief. I genuinely believe that, but there is an exception. You have to take care of yourself first. Just like in the safety briefing on an aircraft (that every single passenger removes their headphones to listen to), you must secure your own oxygen before helping others. 

    If you burn out, then you hurt yourself and those around you. Take time for yourself. 

    Excuse Yourself From Grief and Administrative Tasks Periodically

    My Mom was the first person I lost. I felt that to be a good son, I had to take care of everything by myself. The only way I could do it all was by sacrificing my sleep and relationships. In the middle of the night, as I was trying to finish the handouts for the funeral, I hit my wall. I was trying to avoid my grief by focussing on the administrative tasks. Grief engulfed me.

    For the next 2 days, every time I tried to tackle the administrative tasks, I was trying to confine my grief. As I repressed my grief, I was overwhelmed by guilt. Eventually, my wife, with all of her grace and wisdom, encouraged me to take a break. She encouraged me to disconnect from everything, if only for 30 minutes. I drove to my favorite fast food joint and ordered my favorite milkshake: peanut butter, chocolate, and banana. That short break was exactly what I needed to reset my emotional state.

    As you wrestle with grief, know that it’s okay to still experience some joy and happiness. You don’t need to be sad all of the time in order to honor your loved one. The companies that need copies of the death certificates can wait a few days before closing the accounts. Take time to do something that will make you happy.

    Engage And Embrace The Community That Shares Your Loss

    After losing someone you care about, it’s hard to know what to say, let alone who you should say it to. You might know that you want to say something, but you just can’t quite figure out how to express it. The other people that were close with the person that passed away will all be feeling the same way. There is also a long list of reasons why communication might be challenging between two people grieving the same loss. Two of the biggest reasons are the different speeds at which people grieve and the many different styles that people grieve. 

    When you are ready, you should reach out to other people that knew your loved one. That small gesture gives them (and yourself) permission to start a conversation. It might be stop-and-go or a bit awkward, but as you both share memories about the deceased, you will recreate an image of them that will help both of you heal. In my experiences, I was able to rediscover my relationship with the deceased and, in a way, meet them for the first time. Everyone I talked to knew a slightly different version of my loved one. These conversations are not only the best way to honor the deceased but also the best way to begin healing your own emotional pain.

    Preserve Your Positive Memories

    There are two practices that I found to significantly improve my state of mind and expedite my grief recovery. I struggled with my grief for 3 years before I finally learned these lessons. 

    The first practice was recording all of the positive memories and stories I had about my loved ones. I started asking family members for the stories associated with some old photos I found, I asked about what my loved ones were like before I was around, and most importantly, I listened to every word that they shared with me. 

    I started to record all of the stories. I started to compile the photos that had the most significance to my family members. I watched hours of home videos and took notes about what was in each video. By putting all of these written, video, and photographic memories together in one place, I made something that I can return to when I miss my loved one. I also created something that I can use to introduce my children, that were born after the death, to my loved one in the same light that I remembered them.  

    Practice Gratitude At Every Opportunity

    The second practice that helped me most throughout my grief journey was simply recognizing how many people cared about my loved one. As I had conversations and collected memories, I learned how much other people genuinely cared about my loved one. 

    Author Douglas Wood said it best in his book, which is appropriately named The Secret of Saying Thanks, “The heart that gives thanks is a happy one, for we cannot feel thankful and unhappy at the same time.” 

    When I started to thank people for the friendships they shared with my loved one (I know it can sound a little weird to say it out loud), I started to recognize how many people actually cared about me also. The more gratitude I expressed, the more support I found, and the faster my pain started to subside. I finally found myself being able to cheerfully talk about the people I’d lost. The key was simply to start saying thank you to the people helping me. Who would have guessed it?

    Conclusion:

    At the end of the day, the best method for healthy grieving is the one that you create. Because of the many factors that personalize our grief experiences, it is impossible for anyone to tell you what your journey will be like. I sincerely hope that some of the practices I covered in this post will help you. You can put many of these methods to work in your daily life. The more you flex these muscles today, the easier it will be to use them when you need them.

  • The Best Gift to Someone Grieving

    The Best Gift to Someone Grieving

    When someone you care about has experienced a death, it can be challenging to know what you can do or say to show your support for them. When you search the internet for ideas, you’ll undoubtedly see plenty of websites offering sympathy gifts, condolence gifts, or sentimental gifts that you can buy. The best gift that you can give to someone that is grieving is not something that money can buy. It is something that only you can share. The single most meaningful gift for a bereaved person is a shared story about the loved one that passed away.

    Before jumping into the main subject of this post, I have a disclaimer. Unfortunately, this gift only works if you personally knew the person that passed away. If you didn’t know the person that passed away but still want to support someone who is grieving, Dr. Alan Wolfelt Ph.D. has done an exceptional job with the Companioning Approach. Dr. Wolfelt’s approach uses 11 simple tenets that provide everyone with the tools necessary to support a bereaved person.

    If you did know the person that passed away, then you are in a unique position to give a gift that the bereaved will cherish for many years to come. As I mentioned in the post about the New Model of Grief by Dr. Tony Walter, and the post about the poem Farewell Father by Stefan Molyneux, one of the core struggles we have with grief is understanding what exactly we lose when a person dies and why it is so painful. 

    At a Glance

    Personal experience

    As I was mourning the loss of my mother, I felt like I was drowning in my grief. I tend to keep my cards close to hand and try not to broadcast my internal struggles to the external world. This resulted in me seeming stand-offish and cold to the people that were trying to support me. Occasionally people would engage me in directionless conversation about how I am doing and what they could do to help me. The interactions were short because I couldn’t articulate what I needed to feel better. I already had the administrative tasks taken care of. I tried to avoid conversations about my mom because I didn’t think I was emotionally ready. 

    Over the next 3 years, my wife lost her mother, grandpa, and aunt. My wife is from Taiwan, so there are some cultural differences surrounding death, but we still learned several lessons that are universal. The most applicable lesson here is about conversations about the loved one that passed away. In preparation for the funeral service, the family will gather together and make origami offerings that will be cremated with the body. As the family is working together to create offerings that honor the deceased, they are sharing happy memories about their loved one. The foldings take place in large rooms that accommodate around 15-20 families. When I first walked into the room I was surprised by how jovial the atmosphere was. I was expecting to see many sad and weeping faces. On the contrary, most people had smiles on their faces, and some were even chuckling quietly.

    It wasn’t until my grandpa passed away that I recognized one of the greatest gifts to give someone who lost a loved one. I regularly went to visit my grandmother after my grandpa passed. Each time she would share the sympathy cards that had arrived. Many of the cards said something to the effects of what a great man my grandpa was, how they will miss him, and that they are sorry for the loss. There is one card that stood out from all of the others. It was simple and from someone at the church who knew my grandpa, but I wouldn’t say they were very close. I’m going to paraphrase, but inside the card, it said something along the lines of:

    “I will always remember our second visit to St Mary’s. The first visit is marked by meeting Jack (my grandpa). It has been a long time since we had met someone with his kindness and wit. We genuinely felt like we were long-time friends after that first visit. When we came back the next week, I saw Jack happily chatting with others across the hall and I yelled, “Hi Jack!” and waved to him. The smile on his face quickly faded and he hurried over to me with a grim look on his face. He leaned in and whispered, “Don’t ever say that in an airport!” before he burst into laughter and pulled me close for a hug.” 

    My Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and I look at that card regularly. It captures a small piece of the person we love and preserved it for us.

     

    What To Send When Someone Dies

    The best condolence gift or sympathy gift is a simple hand-written note of a memory that you shared with the deceased.

    One of the core practices that I recommend in my post about The Best Method for Healthy Grieving is preserving positive memories about the deceased. By writing down a positive memory, you are accomplishing many different tasks that help the grieving person.

    • You are helping them shift their focus from the negative perspective of what they have lost to a positive view of realizing all of the positive memories they still have
    • You are “returning a book to the library of the deceased” and creating a written record that helps all of the grieving parties create a shared image of the deceased
    • You are allowing the bereaved person to revisit memories of the deceased when they are ready and, because it is written down, as many times as they would like
    • You are allowing the bereaved person the opportunity to share your memory with other grieving parties that you may not be familiar with

     

    Conclusion:

    I hope that this post has given you an idea about what you can say or give to someone that lost a loved one. The best gifts don’t cost money, and the most comforting words you can say don’t need to be fancy or flowery.

    What do you think about my gift recommendation? Is there a more meaningful gift that you have received?