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  • The Best Method for Healthy Grieving

    The Best Method for Healthy Grieving

    If you are like me, when you are in the middle of being swallowed by grief, you are hoping that anything will come to lift you out of that negative place. You can engage in many activities that will temporarily dull the pain of your loss, but they come at the expense of your future. In this article, you’ll find some of the healthier practices that can help you work through your pain today without sacrificing your future self.

    Admittedly, the title of the article is slightly misleading. There is not a single method or path that leads to the most healthy grieving process. That said, there are several common traps to avoid and several positive actions you should try to employ. The purpose of this post is to help you navigate the minefield that I experienced during my grief journey.

    This is going to be a longer post. For those of you that would like the highlight reel, here are the major bullet points to aid your grieving journey. If you’d like a little more detail, you can either click on the topic you want to explore more or scroll down for the rest of the article.

    The Traps to Avoid

    Healthy Grieving Tips

    The Traps of Grief

    Don’t Be Surprised By New Emotions

    Throughout my childhood and adult life, I’ve received positive feedback about my ability to keep a positive and even temperament despite the situations that surrounded me. I actually came to pride myself on being (I’m going to create a new word here)” “unrattle-able.” Then my Mom passed away. 

    For the six weeks she was in the ICU, I was able to keep my cool while talking to hospital staff or family. I was with her as she passed. In the first hour after, I felt like the world was muted. The sounds of the machines that had been keeping my mom alive disappeared. I couldn’t hear the rush hour traffic outside anymore. Time just seemed to melt away. After that hour passed, I was consumed by anger. To this day, I can’t tell you what I was really angry at, but I was willing to direct it at the first person that dared to, in my opinion at the time, misstep.

    I have never been angry like that in my life. Like I mentioned in the article about the Top 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Lost A Loved One, hurt people have a tendency to hurt people. I was projecting my pain onto others. Anger was my surprise emotion. It very well could have been depression, relief, confusion, hopelessness, contentment, and even joy that our loved one is no longer in pain. After your loved one passes away, emotions (or the lack of emotions) are going to come to you. Recognize those emotions and try to reframe them into more positive expressions. Just don’t be surprised when you may be feeling an emotion for the first time or stronger than you have experienced before.

    Grief Recovery Doesn’t Happen On A Timeline

    Today, more than 3 years after my Mom passed away, I am still grieving losing her. I am able to talk about her, and the negative feelings surrounding her death are mostly gone. I still have moments of sadness when I think about things like her missing the birth of my firstborn child by 4 months. Overall those sad moments are becoming fewer and farther between. 

    I was able to get to this same stage of grief recovery for my Grandpa in a significantly shorter time. I may have reached this stage faster because I have more experience now, but I think it is because I had so many more intentional conversations with my Grandpa. In my post about the poem “Farewell Father,” I talk about how the source of my pain came from the list of unanswered questions that I had. I was able to get more of those answers from my Grandpa before he passed away than I did from my mom. 

    There are so many different factors that can affect your individual grieving timeline that it is impossible to make a one size fits all plan. I can tell you that your experience will be unique to you. Don’t compare your experience to anyone else’s. Don’t try to rush through it. Let your grief unfold as it happens. You will recover in time.

    Prematurely “Moving On” and Forgetting Can Prolong Your Pain

    When I lost the people I care about, in moments of weakness, I would wish that I could forget about them. My pain was too great, and I was sure that if I could remove them from my memory, I could finally move on. I mistakenly believed that the faster they were left behind, the faster I could move forward. Looking back, I can see how I caused myself more pain. 

    One of my favorite quotes about bereavement comes from a research paper by Dr. Tony Walter on The New Model of Grief. He quotes a family friend that said, “..we should keep the spirit of the deceased alive, that we acknowledge them as a continuing member of our family and community. We are who we are in part because of who they were, and we are denying reality if we try to leave them entirely behind.”

    I don’t think that we ever really “move on” from someone that has had a significant role in our lives. Whether that person is deceased or still alive, their absence from our life is painful. The solution is not to remove the person from our memory but to find an appropriate place for them. We should recognize their contributions to who we are. 

    Focussing On Your Grief And Loss Will Intensify Your Pain

    After my Mom and my Grandpa passed away, I recognized that my thought process was pretty negative. I quickly corrected my behavior after my Grandpa passed, but there were still multiple times that I would slip back into it. As I would stew in that negativity, everything and anything that other people did just frustrated me. I would have thoughts like, “How could this person disrespect MY Mom that way?!” and “There is no way that Grandpa would approve of this!”

    In reality, my Mom wasn’t being disrespected. My Grandpa probably would have just chuckled at whatever was happening. Because I was focusing on my own negative feelings, I convinced myself that my deceased loved ones would feel the same way. After I made myself believe that my loved ones were being disrespected, I only made myself more angry, for a longer period of time, and at a higher intensity.

    The secret I discovered to avoid focussing on my grief was to help others with theirs. As I talked to my friends and family about their fondest memories of my deceased family, I could see that they enjoyed sharing those memories, and selfishly I enjoyed being reminded of certain personality quirks that I had forgotten about. Instead of focusing on the negative feelings, focus on remembering the deceased’s character and all of the good they contributed to this world.

    The Roadmap Of Grief Recovery 

    Be Honest About Your Feelings

    I am a very reserved person. I rarely let anyone know what I am experiencing on the inside. That trait serves me well in many situations, but healing from grief isn’t one of them. I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone because I didn’t want them to feel the weight of my depression. As I tried to deal with my grief alone, I became incredibly lonely. 

    I had to meet with the estate lawyers, I had to organize the funeral, I had to contact the creditors, and I had to (try to anyway) be a good husband and father. It all became too much. When I started to ask for help, I was surprised how many people were able to step up. In fact, they were eager to do whatever they could for me. They were only waiting for me to say what I needed. As an added bonus, they felt better knowing that they are able to do something that helped me.

    There were a couple of people that were a bit “too helpful.” Trying to be as honest but still respectful as possible, I thanked them for all of their support up to that point and explained that now I needed some time for myself. They didn’t take any offense, and as quickly as they came to help, they then gave me space. If you don’t know what you need, that is a great place to start with people. You can always say, “I just don’t know yet.” The key is just being honest.

    Give Yourself Permission To Be Alone

    Not everyone finds comfort in groups. I’m an introvert. While I can function in groups, I feel exhausted by the end of the affair. So many of the events that follow someone’s death involve gatherings of people. Many times as a surviving family member, others will want to interact with you. Everyone who comes to you has the best intentions, but sometimes you need a break from it all.

    There were several times where I turned off my phone and went for a drive. I mentioned earlier that you can help yourself by helping others with their grief. I genuinely believe that, but there is an exception. You have to take care of yourself first. Just like in the safety briefing on an aircraft (that every single passenger removes their headphones to listen to), you must secure your own oxygen before helping others. 

    If you burn out, then you hurt yourself and those around you. Take time for yourself. 

    Excuse Yourself From Grief and Administrative Tasks Periodically

    My Mom was the first person I lost. I felt that to be a good son, I had to take care of everything by myself. The only way I could do it all was by sacrificing my sleep and relationships. In the middle of the night, as I was trying to finish the handouts for the funeral, I hit my wall. I was trying to avoid my grief by focussing on the administrative tasks. Grief engulfed me.

    For the next 2 days, every time I tried to tackle the administrative tasks, I was trying to confine my grief. As I repressed my grief, I was overwhelmed by guilt. Eventually, my wife, with all of her grace and wisdom, encouraged me to take a break. She encouraged me to disconnect from everything, if only for 30 minutes. I drove to my favorite fast food joint and ordered my favorite milkshake: peanut butter, chocolate, and banana. That short break was exactly what I needed to reset my emotional state.

    As you wrestle with grief, know that it’s okay to still experience some joy and happiness. You don’t need to be sad all of the time in order to honor your loved one. The companies that need copies of the death certificates can wait a few days before closing the accounts. Take time to do something that will make you happy.

    Engage And Embrace The Community That Shares Your Loss

    After losing someone you care about, it’s hard to know what to say, let alone who you should say it to. You might know that you want to say something, but you just can’t quite figure out how to express it. The other people that were close with the person that passed away will all be feeling the same way. There is also a long list of reasons why communication might be challenging between two people grieving the same loss. Two of the biggest reasons are the different speeds at which people grieve and the many different styles that people grieve. 

    When you are ready, you should reach out to other people that knew your loved one. That small gesture gives them (and yourself) permission to start a conversation. It might be stop-and-go or a bit awkward, but as you both share memories about the deceased, you will recreate an image of them that will help both of you heal. In my experiences, I was able to rediscover my relationship with the deceased and, in a way, meet them for the first time. Everyone I talked to knew a slightly different version of my loved one. These conversations are not only the best way to honor the deceased but also the best way to begin healing your own emotional pain.

    Preserve Your Positive Memories

    There are two practices that I found to significantly improve my state of mind and expedite my grief recovery. I struggled with my grief for 3 years before I finally learned these lessons. 

    The first practice was recording all of the positive memories and stories I had about my loved ones. I started asking family members for the stories associated with some old photos I found, I asked about what my loved ones were like before I was around, and most importantly, I listened to every word that they shared with me. 

    I started to record all of the stories. I started to compile the photos that had the most significance to my family members. I watched hours of home videos and took notes about what was in each video. By putting all of these written, video, and photographic memories together in one place, I made something that I can return to when I miss my loved one. I also created something that I can use to introduce my children, that were born after the death, to my loved one in the same light that I remembered them.  

    Practice Gratitude At Every Opportunity

    The second practice that helped me most throughout my grief journey was simply recognizing how many people cared about my loved one. As I had conversations and collected memories, I learned how much other people genuinely cared about my loved one. 

    Author Douglas Wood said it best in his book, which is appropriately named The Secret of Saying Thanks, “The heart that gives thanks is a happy one, for we cannot feel thankful and unhappy at the same time.” 

    When I started to thank people for the friendships they shared with my loved one (I know it can sound a little weird to say it out loud), I started to recognize how many people actually cared about me also. The more gratitude I expressed, the more support I found, and the faster my pain started to subside. I finally found myself being able to cheerfully talk about the people I’d lost. The key was simply to start saying thank you to the people helping me. Who would have guessed it?

    Conclusion:

    At the end of the day, the best method for healthy grieving is the one that you create. Because of the many factors that personalize our grief experiences, it is impossible for anyone to tell you what your journey will be like. I sincerely hope that some of the practices I covered in this post will help you. You can put many of these methods to work in your daily life. The more you flex these muscles today, the easier it will be to use them when you need them.

  • The Best Gift to Someone Grieving

    The Best Gift to Someone Grieving

    When someone you care about has experienced a death, it can be challenging to know what you can do or say to show your support for them. When you search the internet for ideas, you’ll undoubtedly see plenty of websites offering sympathy gifts, condolence gifts, or sentimental gifts that you can buy. The best gift that you can give to someone that is grieving is not something that money can buy. It is something that only you can share. The single most meaningful gift for a bereaved person is a shared story about the loved one that passed away.

    Before jumping into the main subject of this post, I have a disclaimer. Unfortunately, this gift only works if you personally knew the person that passed away. If you didn’t know the person that passed away but still want to support someone who is grieving, Dr. Alan Wolfelt Ph.D. has done an exceptional job with the Companioning Approach. Dr. Wolfelt’s approach uses 11 simple tenets that provide everyone with the tools necessary to support a bereaved person.

    If you did know the person that passed away, then you are in a unique position to give a gift that the bereaved will cherish for many years to come. As I mentioned in the post about the New Model of Grief by Dr. Tony Walter, and the post about the poem Farewell Father by Stefan Molyneux, one of the core struggles we have with grief is understanding what exactly we lose when a person dies and why it is so painful. 

    At a Glance

    Personal experience

    As I was mourning the loss of my mother, I felt like I was drowning in my grief. I tend to keep my cards close to hand and try not to broadcast my internal struggles to the external world. This resulted in me seeming stand-offish and cold to the people that were trying to support me. Occasionally people would engage me in directionless conversation about how I am doing and what they could do to help me. The interactions were short because I couldn’t articulate what I needed to feel better. I already had the administrative tasks taken care of. I tried to avoid conversations about my mom because I didn’t think I was emotionally ready. 

    Over the next 3 years, my wife lost her mother, grandpa, and aunt. My wife is from Taiwan, so there are some cultural differences surrounding death, but we still learned several lessons that are universal. The most applicable lesson here is about conversations about the loved one that passed away. In preparation for the funeral service, the family will gather together and make origami offerings that will be cremated with the body. As the family is working together to create offerings that honor the deceased, they are sharing happy memories about their loved one. The foldings take place in large rooms that accommodate around 15-20 families. When I first walked into the room I was surprised by how jovial the atmosphere was. I was expecting to see many sad and weeping faces. On the contrary, most people had smiles on their faces, and some were even chuckling quietly.

    It wasn’t until my grandpa passed away that I recognized one of the greatest gifts to give someone who lost a loved one. I regularly went to visit my grandmother after my grandpa passed. Each time she would share the sympathy cards that had arrived. Many of the cards said something to the effects of what a great man my grandpa was, how they will miss him, and that they are sorry for the loss. There is one card that stood out from all of the others. It was simple and from someone at the church who knew my grandpa, but I wouldn’t say they were very close. I’m going to paraphrase, but inside the card, it said something along the lines of:

    “I will always remember our second visit to St Mary’s. The first visit is marked by meeting Jack (my grandpa). It has been a long time since we had met someone with his kindness and wit. We genuinely felt like we were long-time friends after that first visit. When we came back the next week, I saw Jack happily chatting with others across the hall and I yelled, “Hi Jack!” and waved to him. The smile on his face quickly faded and he hurried over to me with a grim look on his face. He leaned in and whispered, “Don’t ever say that in an airport!” before he burst into laughter and pulled me close for a hug.” 

    My Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and I look at that card regularly. It captures a small piece of the person we love and preserved it for us.

     

    What To Send When Someone Dies

    The best condolence gift or sympathy gift is a simple hand-written note of a memory that you shared with the deceased.

    One of the core practices that I recommend in my post about The Best Method for Healthy Grieving is preserving positive memories about the deceased. By writing down a positive memory, you are accomplishing many different tasks that help the grieving person.

    • You are helping them shift their focus from the negative perspective of what they have lost to a positive view of realizing all of the positive memories they still have
    • You are “returning a book to the library of the deceased” and creating a written record that helps all of the grieving parties create a shared image of the deceased
    • You are allowing the bereaved person to revisit memories of the deceased when they are ready and, because it is written down, as many times as they would like
    • You are allowing the bereaved person the opportunity to share your memory with other grieving parties that you may not be familiar with

     

    Conclusion:

    I hope that this post has given you an idea about what you can say or give to someone that lost a loved one. The best gifts don’t cost money, and the most comforting words you can say don’t need to be fancy or flowery.

    What do you think about my gift recommendation? Is there a more meaningful gift that you have received?

  • What Is The Best Gift For New Parents?

    What Is The Best Gift For New Parents?

    I know you probably found this article because you are most likely in a hurry and wondering what the best gifts for new parents are. I’ll tell you what the best gift is upfront, but you should read on to see why it is the best gift. At face value you may think I’m crazy. I promise that not only is this the perfect gift for new parents who have everything, but it doubles as a unique baby gift!

    At a Glance

    The Best Gift For New Parents is…

    A blank journal.

    A simple blank journal that you can pick up from any local store. It can have lines or be completely empty. The only important part is that it is a high enough quality to endure the next 18-22 years of use. A “high quality” journal will have thicker pages (you’ll know what I mean after you look at several in person), a durable cover (think more along the lines of genuine leather instead of plastic), and the binding method should look sturdy. 

    After finding a journal that will last for decades, the next and most enjoyable part is finding a unique design. Be careful not to select a design that is too strong because this journal is not for the new parent. This journal is ultimately a gift for the new child! Choose a design that will please the parent and is mild enough to appeal to most people. It’s going to be a long time until the child reveals their lasting preferences and personality!

     

    Why a journal is the best gift for a new parent

    Baikie, K., & Wilhelm, K. (2005). Emotional and physical health benefits of expressive writing. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 11(5), 338-346. doi:10.1192/apt.11.5.338

    This journal isn’t so much of a journal as it is an extended letter from parent to child. Stay with me for a moment. I’m going to approach this from four perspectives. One of the reasons this is one of the most awesome baby gifts for new parents is how beneficial it is to the parent and how the meaning of this journal changes during the child’s life. I’ll start with the parent’s perspective and then illustrate how the journal changes in the child’s eyes as time presses on.

     

    The Parent’s Perspective

    I’m struggling to craft a great opener for this section because there is nothing I can say to fully encompass the journey you will go on as a new parent. I think Themistocles from 300: Rise of an Empire said it best. I’m going to make some slight editorial enhancements to fit our scenario. 

    “My brothers [and sisters]. Steady your heart. Look deep into your souls. For your mettle is to be tested this day [each day from this moment forward]. If in the heat of battle [parenting] you need a reason to fight on, you need only to look at the man who fights at your side [your beautiful child’s face as they sleep]. This is the why of battle [parenting]. This is the brotherhood [league] of men [parenthood] in arms. An unbreakable bond made stronger by the crucible of combat [raising children]. You will never be closer than with those who you shed your blood with [spend each day molding and teaching]. For there is no nobler cause than to fight for those who will lay down their life for you [carry our lineage into the future]. So you fight strong today. You fight for your brothers [children]. Fight for your families. Most of all you fight for Greece [Humanity].”

    A bit dramatic, I know. For those that have had children, you recognize the truth of it. For those that have not had children, trust that while dramatic, it is not exaggerated. As new parents you will constantly feel unsure of what to do, how to say it, question if you are making the best decision for your child, whether you were too hard on them, or struggle to express how much you care. 

    This journal can act as a therapeutic tool where you can explain your rationale for what you did or layout your feelings about something that happened. This journal should be viewed as an opportunity to explain to your child why you raised them the way you did. You should capture the moments that fill your heart with joy, left you speechless with shock or confusion, and when you know you should have done something differently. It’s easy to get lost in all of the challenges you will face with, and alongside of, your child.

    You can explain why you made that difficult decision to relocate that took your child away from their friends. You can talk about the struggles you faced when your child was seriously hurt or battled a disease. If you have the courage, you can write how you felt when your child mimicked your bad behavior for the first time. (This was a complex entry for me to write!) The subjects on what you include are limited only by your life experiences.

    You should record the extraordinary and the mundane. You should record your favorites and your child’s favorites. When you have moments when you are struggling, you will be able to look back through the journal and recognize all that you have overcome and how much your child has grown. By reviewing this journal, you can continually refine your parenting style until you are the parent you want to be.

     

    Child’s Perspective As A Young Adult

    Reflect back to when you left home. Whether you left for college or a career. You are now an adult, whether you are ready or not. The weight of lifelong consequences now hovers over every choice that you make. You are getting advice from professors, friends, YouTubers, bosses, and of course family. Life is moving so fast you don’t have time to really think about what you are doing. You just do it. (Nike, don’t sue me!) 

    You have moved away from home to pursue an incredible opportunity. In the absence of the only support network you have ever known, your family, you start to feel the overwhelming pressure of the mountain you are about to climb. Then you remember you have your journal! The journal that your parents gave you on your 18th birthday!

    The journal that your parents have been writing in since the day you were born. The journal that contains stories about all of the greatest achievements of your life. The journal that has your favorite memories. The journal that has your life story.

    As you reflect on the stories through the journal and see your parents’ handwriting, you feel a sense of strength and warmth growing in you. You are now ready to eat that elephant in front of you, and the fire in your belly is now big enough to dive into your challenge! At this stage in the child’s life, the journal serves as a tool to invoke strength, stave off homesickness, and a source of happiness.

     

    Child’s Perspective As A New Parent

    Imagine you just found out you and your spouse are expecting your first child. You have been planning this pregnancy for several years. You have read every book, from healthy baby sleeping habits to peaceful parenting and “elimination communication.” Or this pregnancy is a surprise gift in your life that you have had zero time to prepare for. In either scenario, the fear of the unknown continues to grow as the pregnancy progresses. It doesn’t matter what book you read, what videos you watch, or who you talk to. You can’t find a relief valve for the mounting pressure. All of this information you have found is great, but it is abstract, idealized, and difficult to relate to if you haven’t done it before. 

    Then you remember the journal that your parents gave you! This journal not only reminds you of the weird quirks of when you were a kid, but it also contains your parents’ thoughts about each of those weird stories. The journal has the reflections of your parents on what they wish they had done differently in some of your challenging moments growing up. The book also has their proudest moments of you. As you read through this journal, you realize it is the single best parenting book in the world, and it was explicitly personalized for you! 

    The best part of this parenting book is that you can relate to every situation inside. You know that these parenting strategies work out pretty well because they are the reason you are the amazing person you are! You couldn’t understand why your parents said or did things as you were living through it, but now you can look at the situation with a new set of eyes.

    Not only does this journal contain parenting advice, but it also contains your favorite activities and foods as you were growing up. You remember that you loved your mom’s special goulash and think your child might like it as well. Luckily, your mom wrote the exact recipe in your journal! You and your dad made up a game that only the two of you knew about. You both would spend hours every week playing the game, but you can’t remember what the rules were or even what the game was about. Now you can share your favorite childhood experiences with your children!

     

    Child’s Perspective After A Parent Passes Away

    I know this isn’t a topic that is comfortable to think about, let alone talk about. The nature of this website is about helping people process the grief related to losing a loved one. In my opinion, the single greatest tool to move through grief is recording positive memories. Losing a loved one is challenging for many reasons, but the threat of losing the memories of the deceased is one of the biggest. 

    Imagine after losing your parent, when the funeral is done, and as people transition away from group mourning, you are left alone at night struggling to envision a future without your parent. The experience will be harrowing, and your pain is based on the unique relationship that you shared together. Maybe you can talk to your siblings, your other parent, your other family members, your spouse, friends, therapist, or support group. However, they still won’t be able to appreciate the connection you shared with your parent. Then you remember the journal!

    As you open the cover to the journal, you are overwhelmed by recognizing your parent’s handwriting. It’s almost as if they are sitting there with you as you read over the words. You read through the pages and come across an entry where your parent explains how much they love you, how proud they are of you, and how excited they are for your future.

    Each page inside this journal is a precious treasure. 

    The entire journal is filled with the spirit of your parent. This journal now allows you to connect directly with your parent whenever you want to. You can now keep your relationship alive in a healthy way. In my post about the New Model of Grief, I point out that Dr. Tony Walter mentions that the purpose of grief isn’t to move on without the deceased but to find a secure place for them. I would argue that there is no more secure place than in this personalized journal.

     

    Examples of what I include in my children’s Life Journals

    Sometimes it can be challenging to know what to write in your journal. I thought it might be helpful to see how I structure them and what kind of content I include in the journals I am making for my kids

    My wife and I each have our own journals for the kids.

    My wife is Taiwanese, and we believe it is important for the kids to participate in my wife’s culture as much as possible. This is beneficial for a couple of reasons. 

    My wife’s mother language is Mandarin, and she best expresses herself in that language and using traditional Chinese characters. My wife can express herself using all of the nuance and wordplay that accurately reflects her personality without being bogged down by English. The kids are also forced to learn to read traditional Chinese characters and participate in my wife’s culture to fully appreciate their mother’s writings.

    My wife and I are different people. We share morals but still view the world differently. We can each offer our dissenting perspectives on the events of our children’s lives in a way that the kids can appreciate when they are older. They can gain insight into how the same scenario affected their parents differently.

    Examples of Entries

    Each of my children’s journals opens and closes with a poem that I chose for them.

    My Daughter’s Journal (oldest child) 

    My wife was recovering during one of the first days that we were home from the hospital. I took my crying daughter into the next room to comfort her. After she calmed down, I turned her so I could look at her beautiful little face. As I reflected on this child’s incredibleness and daydreaming about all of the great memories we will create as a family, something assaulted my nose.

    I didn’t recognize the smell. Before I had time to even consider what the smell could be, I felt the warm waterfall that was pouring down all over me. I looked down and realized that my daughter was having her first significant bowel movement. It was more than the diaper and I could handle. I yelled for my wife to come save us both. 

    Because my daughter is my firstborn, she has the unlucky privilege of being the experimental child. I often find myself writing about the mistakes I think I made with her, the reason why I did those things, and what I wish I had done differently. I still talk to her about my mistakes in person after they happen, but I think she will absorb my apologies better when she isn’t stuck in a 3-year-old mind.

    My Middle Son’s Journal  

    From the moment my son could walk, he has always had a craving first thing in the morning. The craving is so intense that he will break down crying like something you’d expect in a Korean drama sitcom. When the clocks in my kids’ rooms turn green, my daughter (3 years old) opens her door and then opens my middle son’s (16 months) door, and they both come racing out. My daughter looks for my wife and me to get morning hugs and kisses. My son runs straight to the kitchen to ask for Dad’s Famous Blueberry Muffins.

    He won’t even let us change his poopy diaper until he gets to eat a little muffin. If the muffins aren’t ready, then he puts his hands to his mouth, his eyes start watering, he collapses to the floor, and then the acoustics kick in. Before you jump to conclusions, my wife and I don’t model this behavior, and he has never seen it on TV. This is just who my son is. I include the recipe for the Blueberry Muffins that he loves so much just behind the journal entry explaining his morning routine.

    In My Daughter and Middle Son’s Journals 

    I included a story about when they started to share the same room. My daughter was 3.5, and my son was around 20 months. Like every other parent, we invade our toddler’s privacy by having a camera in their room. One of the first few nights they were together, my son started crying. He had a fresh diaper, they had their nighttime milk, we read our books for the night, and everyone got hugs and kisses.

    For some reason, he simply felt the need to cry. I turned on the camera to see if he was hurt. He was lying in his bed in the same position I left him in, except his blanket was off. I watched my daughter lean over the rail. I almost ran into the room to catch her from falling but decided to wait and see what happens. She was trying to look at her brother. She noticed that his blanket was off. She climbed down off the top bunk, walked over to her brother, put his blanket on, gave him a kiss on the forehead, and laid next to him. I turned on the microphone, and I could hear her gently saying, “It’s okay. It’s okay. I here with you. You are safe. It’s okay. I love you,” as she was rubbing his back. After my son was comforted, she climbed back into the top bunk and went to sleep.  

    After the story in my daughter’s journal, I wrote about how proud I was that she took care of her brother. I admire the young woman she is growing into. I talked about how her actions are so similar to her mother and part of the reason I love her mother so much. 

    After the story in my son’s journal, I wrote about how he may have fights with his sister in the future, but she is on his team and has loved him since he was born. I explained his relationship with his sister is extremely valuable. It is one of the only relationships that will be with him for his entire life. The last thought I wrote was that today his sister is bigger than he is, and she took care of and protected him. One day when he is bigger than her, he needs to take care of and protect her as well.

    My Youngest Son’s Journal 

    My youngest son has been battling jaundice for, up to the time I am writing this, over 2 months. He has had multiple heel pricks each week to monitor his bilirubin levels and check for organ issues. Just yesterday, I had to take him to the hospital for an intravenous blood draw. The same kind of blood draws that we get as adults. The needle goes into the arm, and the blood goes into the vacuum tubes. Up until yesterday, it was just heel pricks and shots. My youngest son didn’t like the heel pricks and shots. He HATED the blood draw.

    Holding him down during the draw was extremely difficult to do as a parent. He won’t ever remember this experience, but I want him to see some of the struggles of being a parent. One day he may need to go through a similar experience. Because this story is so personal, he may take more away from it than from an anonymous post on the internet. (I’m assuming books by the time he has a family will be relics that decay with any amount of sunlight.

     

    Conclusion:

    Personally, I don’t think there is a single more meaningful gift for the new parent or for their child than a handwritten journal. With the speed that technology is driving our lives, taking a step backward and using handwriting is unusual. That’s the key that makes this a unique and unusual gift. There is something so satisfying about holding something handwritten. You know how much love and care went into the writing just by the sheer amount of time required to produce it. This gift idea doesn’t have to be limited to just parents and children. This would be an incredible gift for grandparents as well! As a grandparent, you can record your family origins, history and share precious memories that will be passed on for generations to come.

    What do you think of my recommendation for the best newborn baby gift idea for parents? How would you have felt if your parents gave you a journal filled with a director’s cut of your childhood? Have you started making a journal, and if so, what has your experience been like so far?

  • What Being A Social Worker Taught Me About Grief

    What Being A Social Worker Taught Me About Grief

    As a social worker, I helped people work through grief in many different settings. I worked in hospice for a while, but issues related to grief and loss were a common focus no matter where I worked. They were no less central for the people I saw at community mental health clinics, crisis response programs, or substance use treatment centers than they were for my hospice clients.

    One of the greatest challenges of being a human being is dealing with loss, especially the loss of people we love. We resist change in every form it finds us in, and death is the most painful kind of change. The hardest challenge any of us ever face is accepting when someone who was at the center of our universe is no longer there for us or with us.

    Loss always hurts, but how we deal with it determines whether it breaks us open or shuts us down. A broken heart can be, or become, a full heart. A numb heart can’t become anything else until it feels again. As long as we avoid the pain, the heart is a closed chamber where no healing can reach and where no further growth can take place.

    While mental health issues have many causes, unresolved grief was at least one piece of the puzzle for most of my clients. The things we do to avoid grief can cause complications that only compound over time. For some people, unresolved grief can contribute to depression or anxiety; for others, it can lead to substance use disorders. For some, the result of grief resisted is subtler, not so much a disorder as a life less fully lived, where joy is rare and everything is gray.


    Ultimately, what I learned about grief as a social worker was that it’s an unavoidable part of being human, but that most of us go to great lengths to avoid it. We fight and we resist it. We blame ourselves, because guilt and regret, as hard as they are to feel, hurt less than simple loss does. But the only way out is through.

    There is no one right way to grieve, and healing grief doesn’t have to mean “moving on”—some relationships, and people, stay with us, in our hearts, forever—but grief has to move through us. We have to follow it on the journey it takes us on and get to the other side, or else we get stuck. To heal, we first have to feel the sadness and pain. Everything else comes after.

    Where Does the Journey of Grief Take Us?

    The grief journey begins with acute grief, the initial period after a loss when our emotions are at their most intense. It’s not unusual for the first reaction to grief to be shock or disbelief. Before we can feel anything, we must first process the grief intellectually and give our brains time to register that yes, this person is really gone. As soon as we do this work, the feelings start to come.

    Sometimes the sadness is soft and receptive, and sometimes it’s like a roar, searing and fiery and loud. Sometimes the sadness dances with anger. At other times, it takes turns with tender hope or even happy reminiscence. The only universal truth about grief is that it is a process, not a state.

    The famous “five stages of grief” described by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross illuminate contours of the grief process, but they’ve been misunderstood. People think these five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) are supposed to always happen in the same order, or that everyone always goes through all five of them. But not even Kubler-Ross herself meant for them to be understood that way. Not everyone bargains or gets angry, for example. These stages make for common scenery on the road of grief, but not all routes lead through all of them.

    That said, there is a general truth to the model, which is that people who resolve their grief successfully move from acute grief to integrated grief, or from pain to peace and acceptance. Integration is what happens when the emotions you feel about the loss no longer keep you from participating in life or from feeling joy or hope. You come to terms with the loss; you move from fighting or arguing with the pain to feeling it acutely, and then, finally, to weaving it into the larger emotional tapestry of your life. The sadness may still come and go, but it eases up and weaves in with feelings of love and appreciation.

    When you’ve integrated your grief, you still sometimes feel sad, but you can now smile when you think of that person. You can feel and enjoy their presence in a different way, as part of you, as an emotional or spiritual presence. I agree with Dustin—and Dr. Tony Walter—that the real purpose of grief is not to “let go” of the person you’ve lost, but to “find a secure place for them” inside of you. You must discover the new reality this person has in your life now that they can no longer be physically present.

    Common Grief Traps

    Think of grief as a river. Its natural action is to flow. But while grief is powerful, we are clever, and we have all kinds of tools and mechanisms we can use to stop its flow. We can build a dam that keeps the water of grief pooled up out of sight and the rest of life “dry.”

    When we do that, though, we also dam up the core of our emotional energy. We block the waters of joy as well as the waters of sadness. We can eventually stop up the entire course of our lives if we build that dam well enough. We can stay stuck in a gray, dry land for years.

    From what I’ve seen, learned, and lived through, I would say that these are the five most common grief traps people use to block the flow:

    • Using alcohol or other substances in excess to numb or alter natural feelings.
    • Withdrawing from other people and the world to avoid talking about the loss.
    • Obsessively trying to “re-write” what actually happened to deny realities about the loss.
    • Focusing on details or aspects of the loss that generate or maintain anger and blame.
    • Refusing to do healthy things that feel good as a form of self-punishment.

    One of the most healing things we can do for our grief is to tell the story of the person we lost and what they meant in our lives as fully and completely as possible. Grief traps are generally anything that keeps us from doing that.

    Of course, the easiest way to not tell the story is to avoid thinking about it whatsoever, which is what we do when we use alcohol, other substances, or other compulsive behaviors to numb or distract ourselves. The trickiest grief traps, though, are the ones we fall into when we think we’re “dealing with it” by thinking about it all the time, but are actually trying to deny what happened.

    One common way we do this is by focusing on “what ifs.” We come up with endless scenarios for how the loss could have been prevented, often blaming ourselves or at least casting ourselves in the starring role in the story of How This Person Could Still Be Here.

    Sometimes, we blame another person. The hardest is when someone actually is to blame, fully or in part, for another person’s death. But there are ways to find justice that don’t require us to hold on to anger. The greater stories of our loved one’s lives are more important to memorialize than the details of blame. We have to find those greater stories in order to heal.

    The hardest grief to work through is complicated grief, which occurs when your relationship with the person you’ve lost was complicated. For example, you might be grieving an abusive parent with whom you later partially reconciled, or a sibling who died as the result of self-destructive behavior you spent years trying to get them to stop.

    Navigating and healing from complicated grief is challenging, and it often requires professional help. But there is one simple truth about it: you have to find a way to tell the actual, full story of that person and what happened in order to heal. Leaving things out doesn’t honor that person; making peace with the whole truth of who they were, and who they were to you, does.

    What Helps Us Heal

    There are ways we can cope with grief without trying to block or stop it. Think of these less like a dam and more like a little boat you can pilot down the river. These coping methods make sure you keep moving with and through grief until you reach the ocean of integration, healing, and acceptance:

    • Talk to as many people as you can about your grief and about the person you’ve lost.
    • Do something creative to honor their memory and to make something tangible you can touch, see, or share to remember them by.
    • Keep doing the things you’ve always enjoyed doing, even if you can’t do them as fully as you usually do.
    • Reach out to a therapist or other professional for help if you need it, especially if you’re dealing with complicated grief or a violent or traumatic loss.
    • If you have spiritual questions, seek out professional clergy, a book, a practice, a program, a group, or a peer who can help you work through them.

    Thinking and talking about the loss are necessary to heal. Grief is a natural process, not a disorder, and doesn’t always require therapy to address. But it’s hard to work through grief without talking to someone. Peers, friends, family, or members of a faith community can often provide the understanding and support you need.

    However, to avoid common grief traps, like getting lost in anger or trying to “re-write” the story of what happened, sometimes you do need professional help. When your grief is complicated, or your loss was traumatic, you need to talk to someone who can engage fully with you in exploring all the complicated, difficult feelings that friends and family might shrink away from or try to shut down. Any time you feel frustrated or hurt by responses from friends and family, it can help to reach out to a therapist, support group, or clergy person, depending on your specific situation and needs.

    But not all the work is done through talking. Sometimes, to make a space for a new kind of relationship with the person you’ve lost, you have to actually make a physical space for them. You might want to set up a shrine or memory corner of photographs and mementos from your relationship, for example. You might want to draw, journal, write a story, or find another a way to put your memories, thoughts, and feelings about them into something you can see and hold.

    It can also help to spend some time doing things you used to do with the person who has died. You might even want to try an activity they loved to do that you’ve never tried before. It can help you remember them clearly and understand them better. But it’s also possible to get a little lost if you don’t keep doing the things that you love, and that make you who you are. Over time, you’ll start to feel that person there with you, in your heart, and be able to integrate your awareness and memory of them with your whole life, not just the activities specifically focused on them. You might be moving on to a new phase of your life, but you’re taking them with you.