There are small routines that we develop over time that become part of our world. You could almost say that these routines become part of our identity. They could be with a substance like cigarettes and alcohol or to an activity like exercising. We may start and stop some habits because of stress, but what about when the habit involves another person, and that person passes away? When you can no longer return to that habit, you are forced to change or remove part of your identity and the death of part of yourself compounds the pain of losing a loved one. 

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At a Glance

• Personal Story: Breaking My Habit of Calling My Mom
• Overview of Psychosocial Transitions
• Application of Psychosocial Transitions to My Life
• Conclusion

A Story From My Grief Journey

Breaking My Habit Cold Turkey

I frequently travel for my work. I would pass through the Seattle Tacoma Airport at least seven times a week for connections. The connections were usually between 1.5-3 hours. Without fail, for five years, I would call my mom every time I was waiting for my flight. 

It’s a strange phenomenon, but people can open up more on the phone than in person. I would talk to my mom about her day, health, work, family history, personal history, the lessons she learned throughout her life, and the prism through which she viewed the world. I treasured those phone calls and looked forward to them every time I traveled. They were my relief valve for a challenging and fast paced career.

These phone calls rejuvenated me and motivated me to continue grinding away at some of the more monotonous parts of life. These phone calls with my mom were part of the bedrock of who I am. Then my mom passed away. After my mom died, I still had to go to work, I still had to travel, and I still had to go through the Seattle airport at least seven times a week. Now every time I traveled, I was confronted with my loss. Every time I was in the Seattle airport, I felt as lost as a broken-down boat floating in the middle of the ocean.

 

Psychosocial Transitions by Dr. Colin Murray Parkes 1971

Like some of the other grief theories, the Psychosocial Transition theory is not only designed to understand grief. The theory is born from a combination of stress research, crisis studies, and loss research. The original paper is an excellent read and touches on many areas, including divorce, a new way to think about crime and punishment, and even homelessness. In the abstract of the article Psychosocial Transitions: A Field For Study, where Dr. Parkes introduced the theory, he concisely says, “Grief is seen as a process of ‘realization’ by means of which affectional bonds are severed and old models of the world, and the self are given up.” While simple on the surface, there is actually a fair amount to unpack. 

One of the most well-adapted parts of Dr. Parke’s theory is the idea of an assumptive world. “The assumptive world is the only world we know, and it includes everything we know or think we know. It includes our interpretation of the past and our expectations of the future, our plans, and our prejudices.” That definition is a lot to chew on, but after grasping this as our starting block, the rest of the theory ‘just makes sense.’

Inside of our assumptive world, we have built a metaphorical sense of ownership around pieces of our identity that are more significant to us. The things that we usually describe as “mine” are the things that we have affectional bonds with. (‘My job’ is in ‘my home city’ where ‘my school’ and ‘my favorite sports team’ are. More importantly, ‘my city’ is where ‘my mom’ was.) The term psycho-social transitions is defined as “major changes which are lasting in their effects, which take place over a relatively short period of time and which affect large areas of the assumptive world.”

Dr. Parkes further expands on the process of changes by saying, “Some of these changes fulfill expectations and require little or no changes in the assumptive world, others necessitate a major restructuring of that world, the abandonment of one set of assumptions and the development of a fresh set to enable the individual to cope with the new, altered life. If the changes take place gradually and the individual has time to prepare, little by little, for the restructuring, the chances that this will follow a satisfactory course are greater than they would be if the change was sudden and unexpected.”

The last piece of the theory that I want to share with you describes the pain associated with psychosocial transitions. “… some changes in life may cause me to ‘question an assumption’; to objectify an assumption and examine it much as one might question a witness in a court of law. Such examinations are painful because of the threat which they represent to the established assumptive world. Moreover, there are many assumptions which are not ‘open to question.’”

 

The Application of Psychosocial Transitions in My Life

When my mom passed away from a stroke, there was no time to prepare. My assumptive world was thrown into an abyss of chaos. Most of my expectations for the future evaporated without any regard for my opinion. My mom was going to meet my firstborn child in 5 months. We were going to spend our holidays at her house. My mom was going to spoil my daughter despite what my wife and I said. Now that my career was finally starting to take off, I was going to be able to start repaying her for all of the sacrifices she made and the support she gave me. I would buy her the small luxuries that she always wanted (a brand new refrigerator, one of those nice looking fake fireplaces from Costco, mirrored sliding doors for her closet). I could finally afford to take her on our first real family vacation. 

My non-negotiable assumption was that my mom’s life and my family’s life were finally getting better. In a moment, half of that assumption was made impossible. I notice that almost four years later, I still try to avoid abandoning this assumption. Every time I pass through the Seattle-Tacoma airport, I am forced to confront it again. As time passes, I can slowly rebuild that assumption in a new form. In order to reshape it, I have to examine it like Dr. Parkes described, as a witness in a courtroom.

Part of the reason I created Living Observance is to help me maintain my non-negotiable assumption in a healthier way. While my mom is no longer here with us, my memories of her, and all of her friends and family’s memories, still are. By compiling all of those memories in one spot, my assumption can still be realized because her memory will constantly be getting better. My children will also, in a way, still be able to meet her. Her humor, her wisdom, and her gentleness will still be shared with my children, and because of that, she will continue to be a part of their lives. Because my mom will continue to be a part of my children’s lives, the second part of my assumption can be realized. My family’s lives will continue to get better.

 

Conclusion:

Grief theories are constantly developing and adapting to the new information that we learn. There most likely isn’t going to be a single theory that matches all of your experiences, but there will be several that touch some aspect of your journey. The more touchpoints you encounter, the more you will understand yourself and, more importantly, what your needs are to heal. 

What do you think of Dr. Parkes Psychosocial Transitions theory? Is there another theory that better aligns with your experiences? If you enjoy these articles about understanding grief, join our mailing list to ensure you are notified when the next theory comes out.

Many of the classic approaches to grief seem to prescribe certain gateway emotions or actions to progress through grief. Those gateways are broad observations from looking at large sample sizes. These observations are helpful (and powerful) in the same way that statistics can identify general trends. Similarly, the most significant weakness is that these observations can not be applied to an individual, just like statistics. As a result, parts of some of the theories will feel like they are spot on in your individual experience. In contrast, the same theory feels like it misses the mark with several other ideas it puts forward. Sometimes, it is better to evaluate a few case studies in-depth rather than a large data set. 

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At a Glance

• Personal Story: Lack of Direction
• Overview of The New Model of Grief
• Application of The New Model of Grief to My Life
• Conclusion

 

A Story From My Grief Journey – Lack of Direction (How Do I Fix This & What Do I Do Next?)

After my mom passed away, I struggled to talk about her. There were a few reasons, but two that always floated to the top were the suddenness of losing her and then the private lifestyle that I live. Having spoken with her just hours before her fatal stroke, it was just too soon and I couldn’t talk to people about what had happened to her. Emotionally I wouldn’t be ready until roughly 14 months later. 

When close family friends were kind enough to approach me and share their fondest memories of my mom, I listened and hung on every word. Still, the version of my mom that they shared was just different enough from the version I knew that I couldn’t relate. My mom often told me that I was the only person who really understood all of her. At least the parts that she was aware of. 

She wore her heart on her sleeve. Metaphorically, she had to wear long sleeves to display her big heart, but she restricted herself to short sleeves for the majority of her life because of how often she had been hurt. That meant that when some people shared their version of her with me, I could tell very quickly that they only knew my mom superficially. They knew the character associated with the mask, but they didn’t know her. 

I felt that I couldn’t process my emotions and feelings because I couldn’t talk to anyone about them. I felt like I couldn’t let go of my mom and just move on. I did find some relief from the stories of my mom when she was younger. I learned about many formative experiences that she had. From learning about those experiences, I gained a greater appreciation for everything she had accomplished. There were also a few people that shared the same sense of her as I did. Unfortunately for me, when they were ready to talk about my mom, I wasn’t.

 

The New Model of Grief by Dr. Tony Walter PhD

This theory’s inspiration came from the mismatching of classic bereavement research compared to Dr. Walter’s personal experience with two deaths. Dr. Walter then reflected on what he experienced and suggested a new way to think about grief, and gave practical advice on productively moving through it. I highly recommend you read the paper for yourself by clicking here. Inside the document, Dr. Walter has many personal examples illustrating the New Model of Grief in a relatable way.

Dr. Walter’s theory can be summarized by a quote from one of his family friends during his father’s funeral, “..we should keep the spirit of the deceased alive, that we acknowledge them as a continuing member of our family and community. We are who we are in part because of who they were, and we are denying reality if we try to leave them entirely behind.”

The New Model of Grief has 5 fundamental assertions that we, as nonacademics, can utilize in our lives. The new model suggests that:

• • Many bereaved people want to talk to others who knew the deceased.
  • Talking to a counselor or self-help group is second best to talking with people who actually knew the deceased.
  • The purpose of grief is not to move on without the deceased, but to find a secure place for them. For the place to be secure, the image of the deceased has to be reasonably accurate as tested by others who knew the deceased.
  • It is difficult to connect with others who knew the deceased because of a more mobile, secular, and bureaucratic society.
  • Bereavement is part of the process of (auto)biography, and the biographical imperative – the need to make sense of self and others in a continuing narrative – is the motor that drives bereavement behavior.

In the paper, Dr. Walter also expanded on the complications that can occur when communicating with others who knew the deceased. “Different members of the same family may grieve in different ways or at different rates, making communication very difficult and the creation of a shared understanding of the role of the deceased in the family almost impossible.” 

The communication barriers can be further complicated because of other generational, cultural, and religious expectations. “Norms for talking about death are changing, so different generations may no longer know how to communicate with each other on the matter – a traditionally religious grandparent, a stiff upper lip parent, and an adult child who has learned to be more expressive may have great difficulties communicating at precisely the moment they most need to.”

Dr. Walter referenced Rabbi Sliw’s idea that “the final goal of mourning is to construct an enduring and shared memory of the deceased.” Dr. Walter also beautifully encapsulates one of his bereavement experiences after many conversations with friends and family of a deceased friend by saying, “I began to understand her and my relationship with her as never before. I had lost my best friend, and yet in a way I had found her for the first time.”

 

The Application of The New Model of Grief in My Life

I certainly felt the anger described in Dr. Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief. Dr. Worden’s 4 phases of grief seemed to make sense but were too general for me to take any actions based on it. I love Dr. Wolfelt’s Companioning Approach, but I can’t companion myself, and it is a bit awkward to teach someone how to companion me. I had all of this theory, but nothing I could actually do with it. 

After experiencing 5 deaths in 3.5 years, I was finally able to figure out that I didn’t need to let go of my mom. My mom is a huge part of who I am today. Every time I tried to “let her go,” I was attempting to kill a part of myself. Self-harm is the opposite of self-help, but it’s not easy to see that while being stuck in an emotional vortex. As time passed, and I took more of a support role during our most recent losses, I was able to take a step back and observe others that were going down the same road that I had.

As I watched, I still couldn’t conjure the words to describe the healthy grieving activities that were happening before me. I was watching the rebuilding of a shared representation of the deceased. The exchange of photos, stories, and memories were all in an attempt to focus on the character of the person that had passed away. People were sharing to ensure that the deceased’s memory wasn’t lost.

The New Model of Grief resonated with me more than any other theory that I have encountered. One of the most incredible parts is that it was published all the way back in 1996. Grief theory won’t show up on the nightly news and isn’t something we think about until we find ourselves in the middle of it. If someone can only learn about a single grief theory, I would recommend that they read the 20-page paper by Dr. Tony Walter on The New Grief Theory.

A large reason why I founded Living Observance was to do exactly what Dr. Walter describes. I needed to find a secure place for my mom. I also needed a way to collect the gems that family, friends, and neighbors were eager to give me. I wasn’t able to engage with them when they were generously trying to help me. I wanted a way for them to contribute their memories when they were ready, and I could digest them when I was ready. All of this needed to be stored in a permanent and easily accessible way. 

Conclusion:

Grief theories are continually developing and adapting to the new information that we learn. There most likely isn’t going to be a single theory that matches your experiences exactly, but there will be several that touch some aspect of your journey. The more touchpoints you encounter, the more you will understand yourself and, more importantly, what your needs are to heal. 

What do you think of Dr. Walters New Model of Grief? Are you enjoying the posts about grief theory? Is there a theory that you want us to cover? If you enjoy these articles about better understanding grief, join our mailing list to ensure you are notified when the next theory comes out.

I was out of town when I received a phone call that my mom was hospitalized from a bilateral ischemic stroke. The floor felt like it had melted beneath my feet and I was starting to freefall into a foreign environment where there was no order to reality. During the time my Mom was in the ICU and later after she passed away I was completely overwhelmed by the sudden prospect of losing my mom, the legal issues surrounding her health and estate (no will was in place), informing friends and family of what happened, fielding questions about my mom, having conversations with the health care team, researching about her condition and possible treatments, and trying to find time for self care. I was grasping for any semblance of an order to everything that was swirling around me. I wanted to stop falling. In one of my lowest moments I asked myself, “Isn’t there some kind of thing about stages of grief?” I thought that what I would later discover is called Stage Theory would save me from the stresses I was drowning in. 

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At a Glance

• Overview of the Stages of Grief
• An Introduction to Stage Theory
• Common Misunderstandings about the Stages of Grief
• 5 Stages of Grief
• 4 Phases of Grief
• 3 Stages of Grief
• 6 Stages of Grief
• 7 Stages of Grief
• 9 Stages of Grief
• Conclusion

An Overview of the Stages of Grief

In this article I’ll share with you what I learned. Before we jump into Stage Theory I want to insert one disclaimer. The grief that we all feel is incredibly unique.

Talented Professionals and Academics dedicate enormous amounts of time to understanding how we grieve. When one of them notices a pattern, they will start to investigate the pattern. If the pattern looks to be true across a wide variety of a specific population then the pattern is turned into a theory.

None of the theories around grieving are 100% applicable to everyone. You may find that some aspects of one theory apply to you while others don’t fit into your experience at all.

Stage Theory is a tool that you can use to begin shaping your own understanding of grief, but it is not the only theory you should follow. The stages of grief acted as a diving board in my own journey of learning about grief, and I hope that this article can help you on your journey.

A Brief Introduction To Stage Theory

The stages of grief, or formally known as Stage Theory, is a method of categorizing the recovery process after a traumatic experience. The basic idea is that after a person loses someone that they will go through a series of generalized stages. At each one of the stages the bereaved person needs a specific kind of support in order for them to progress to the next stage. By successfully completing each stage a person is able to move past their grief and recover from their loss. 

Due to the varying and complex nature of grief it is challenging for regular people to know how to process their own emotions following a loss. Stage Theory is a major subject in popular grief education due to its concise and easy to understand explanation.There are several variations to the original presentation, but the end goal is the same.

Common Misunderstandings About The Stages Of Grief

As with any technical subject that has been widely adopted by popular culture, there are several misconceptions about the stages of grief. Before we can dive into what the stages are, we need to talk about what the stages are not. This will provide us with a framework to understand the intention of each theory.

A “Normal” Grieving Experience

There is no such thing as a “normal” grieving experience. Every person will have their own and unique experience when they grieve. The more you talk to others about their experiences, the more you will see common themes occur, but that does not make the experiences identical. 

The stages that are in each of the theories below are the most common themes that the authors have found in their research and conversations. Just because the themes are the most common doesn’t mean that they are universal. 

If your experience doesn’t align with the stages we will cover, that is okay. That is normal. You are still grieving successfully and on the road the healing. These stages are only large buckets to help us organize extremely complex thoughts about a mysterious experience.

Descriptive vs Prescriptive

All of the stages of grief are only descriptions of what people might experience. This is a critical misunderstanding that can cause significant pain and complications for bereaved people. The stages of grief should never be used to forecast someone’s recovery process or used as gates to force bereaved people through.

As people grieve, these stages can serve as a way to help them express their current state in the grieving process. The stages can help them to categorize new feelings that they may never have experienced before. 

Moving Through The Stages

Because of how simply stage theory lays out the grieving process, it is easy to believe that the sequences presented are the correct order we should be experiencing. The reality is that we may experience more than one stage at the same time. We may experience the stages in a different order. We may never experience some of the stages.

We all will grieve in our own way and on our own schedule. There is no way to force ourselves (or others) to move through the stages in a specific order or at a pace other than what we need. 

Timeline Of Grief Process 

There is no standard amount of time that someone may be grieving. Bereaved people will often report that they feel they are recovering in the second year, but grief can last much longer.

Yale did a study on bereavement that followed over 200 people bereaved people over the course of 24 months. The study concluded that most of the stages that are filled with intensely negative feelings will peak at 6 months as acceptance gradually increases over the next 24 months.

Variations of the Stages Of Grief

Stage theory was originally developed in 1969. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, was the first person to present the idea of stages of grief.  Dr. Kübler-Ross opened the door to conversations about dying and grieving.  Since that time there have been many variations of her original idea.

5 Stages of Grief (also known as the Kübler-Ross model or DABDA model)

You can find out more about the Five Stages of Grief from the Journal of American Osteopathic Association 

Stage Theory was developed by Dr. Kübler-Ross after she interviewed around 200 of her patients that were terminally ill and dying. Throughout her conversations she noticed a repeating pattern that nearly all of her patients experienced. She documented her findings and published them in a book called “On Death and Dying”, which was published in 1969.

Her work was focused on describing the grief the people experience as they are facing the end of their own life. She suggests that by identifying the various stages that someone is in, healthcare professionals and supporting people will be able to provide the specific care that is necessary. The stages also help those who have never been through such an intense experience as facing your own mortality to empathize with the grieving person.

Dr. Kübler-Ross originally suggested that there are five stages that people will go through sequentially. Later she clarified that there are bridge stages and that some stages may be experienced simultaneously or in preparation for the following stage.

The Five Stages Of Grief Are:

Denial – When a person believes that the painful information they received is not true. If they do believe the information, they may put undeserved confidence into alternative methods of correcting the problem. Dr Kübler-Ross suggested that in order to support the person, we should not try to prove them wrong or argue with them. Instead, the person needs to fully experience denial.

Anger – When the person accepts the painful information and recognizes that the plans they had previously can’t happen anymore. The person may also have unfinished business that they are unable to complete. The person may focus that frustration at healthcare professionals or those that are close to them. People that are in the Anger stage need to be granted as much control as possible. If they can feel in control of something in their life, then they will start to feel in charge of their remaining life.

Bargaining – After the person feels that they have some control in their future, they will bargain for more time to live. Usually the bargaining stems from guilt. The target of the bargaining is usually either a physician or a higher power. Dr. Kübler-Ross believed that people that are bargaining need to be heard. They will tell you what they need to find closure. To support the person, we should do what is reasonable to help them fulfill these needs. It may be something as simple as contacting someone in their life.

Depression – As the person recognizes that death is more likely they will move into the depression stage. The depression may be in preparation of death, or perhaps something that the person has already lost. If the person is willing, it is important to let them share their worries and feelings. The person needs to be heard more than anything else at this stage.

Acceptance – After completing all of the other stages, the person will accept their fate. They may start to speak more openly about their death and current feelings. Like the depression stage, the best way to support someone that has accepted their future is to be a good listener. Dr Kübler-Ross suggests that patients that don’t keep their feelings bottled up tend to pass away more peacefully.

4 Stages of Grief (primarily known as the Four Phases of Grief)

Read more about the Four Phases of Grief from the University of Colorado

The Four Phases of Grief were designed by Dr. John Bowlby, MD and Dr. Colin Murray Parkes, MD in 1980. Dr. Bowlby brought his experience in attachment theory and Dr. Parkes contributed his experience with human information processing to create the foundation of the four phases of grief. While the five stages of grief focus on facing one’s own end of life, the four phases document the grief process for the survivors of someone that passes away.

They suggest that grief is not simply a series of gates to pass through before reaching full recovery. In his 1998 article “Coping with loss, Bereavement in adult life”, Dr Parkes says, “…the phases of grief should not be regarded as a rigid sequence that is passed through only once. The bereaved person must pass back and forth between pining [searching] and despair many times before coming to the final phase of reorganization.”

The Four Phases Of Grief Are:

Shock and Numbness – When a loved one passes away, the survivor will experience a period of shock that evolves into a numbness that can last for a few hours or days. This numbness is a natural coping mechanism that allows the survivor to continue functioning during the period of immense pain.

Yearning and Searching – Shortly after the first phase, a survivor will start to experience strong feelings of yearning for the deceased and anxiety about life without that person. In this phase people are able to take care of basic functions and responsibilities.

Disorganization and Despair – The survivor will start to reflect on the loss and all of the events preceding it. This reflection is usually done in a way where the survivor is wondering if there is anything that they could have done to change the outcome of the death. There may also be a feeling that the person that passed away is still nearby. A survivor may feel that they see or hear the deceased during times of great drowsiness.

Reorganization and Recovery – As the survivor experiences fewer cycles of Phase 2 and Phase 3 they will eventually begin to reinvest their energy into forging a life routine that doesn’t include the deceased. The survivor’s feelings of grief surrounding the loss of their loved one are slowly replaced by positive ones.

3 Stages of Grief

You can read more detailed information about the three stage model at ElderCareOnline.net

     The Three Stages of Grief model is a simplified version of stage theory by Dr. Roberta Temes Ph.D. in 1992. She presented the three stage model in her book, “Living with an Empty Chair: A Guide Through Grief”. Dr. Temes work provided a much flexible framework for a bereaved person. There have been several variations of the three stage model, but they all fall in line with the original model. 

The Three Stages Of Grief Are:

Numbness / Shock / Disbelief

Disorganization / Adjusting / Experiencing The Loss

Reorganization / New Life / Reintegration

6 Stages, 7 Stages, 9 Stages, and 12 Stages of Grief

When searching on the internet for “Stage of Grief” there are several variations that will come up. Many of these are slight redesigns or combinations of the 4 and 5 stage models.

6 Stages of Grief 

This model adds a stage of “Shock” before the 5 Stage model.

The Six Stages Of Grief Are:

Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance

7 Stages of Grief

Read more about the 7 stage model at Healthline

The Seven Stages Of Grief Are:

Shock and Denial, Pain and Guilt, Anger and Bargaining, Depression, The Upward Turn, Reconstruction and Working Through, Acceptance and Hope

9 Stages Of Grief and 12 Stages of Grief

The 9 and 12 stage models of grief are not as widely popularized. These primarily relate to models of grief specifically related to grief induced by divorce. There is a 9 stage model of grief that has been written about in detail by Mike Takieddine. 

The 9 Stages Of Grief Are:

Hope, Anxiety, Depression, Denial, Pain and Guilt, Anger and Bargaining, Acceptance, Depression, Reverie and Revival

Conclusion:

Grief theories are constantly developing and adapting to the new information that we learn. There most likely isn’t going to be a single theory that matches all of your experiences, but there will be several that touch some aspect of your journey. The more touchpoints you encounter, the more you will understand yourself and, more importantly, what your needs are to heal. 

Stage theory is popular because of its incredible simplicity. This simplicity is one of the major criticisms. Take a look at our other article on the Top 4 Criticisms of the Stages of Grief. This is a great place to begin learning about your own grief, but it is not the only theory that is out there. Later this month, I will publish an article lightly exploring some of the other theories and more actionable frameworks. Join us on our knowledge & healing journey by subscribing to our mailing list. By subscribing you will guarantee that you won’t miss out on any of our new articles and you will receive a sneak peek of the next week’s posts.

There are a number of different grief theories that contain excellent advice about healing that you may have never heard of. Every time I read an article, blog post, research paper, or book about grief I learn something that helps with my personal experience with bereavement. The more that I learn, the more comfortable I am with grief and the easier it is to process my ongoing grief. This article is designed to give you an overview of some of these theories. This post will be updated as I encounter more grief theories. Check back for updates soon!

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Grief Theories 

• 5 Stages of Grief
• Psychosocial Transitions
• Two-Track
• Four Tasks of Grief
• The New Model of Grief
• Dual Process
• Narrative and Constructivist Approach/Meaning Making Approach
• Trajectories Approach

 

5 Stages of Grief 1969 by Dr. Kübler-Ross

• Dr. Kübler-Ross wrote a book summarizing her experience and conversations with over 200 patients that were facing the end of their own lives. This is widely regarded as the theory that brought grief theory to the mainstream.
• There is quite a bit of controversy surrounding this grief theory. If you are interested in more detail I’ve written an overview of the 5 Stages of Grief and the Top Criticisms of the 5 Stages of Grief.
• The theory suggests that there are 5 stages that a person will experience when they are facing the end of their own life. Those stages are:
  • Denial
  • Anger
  • Bargaining
  • Depression
  • Acceptance

 

Psychosocial Transition 1971 by Dr. Colin Murray Parkes

• Dr. Parkes says in his 1971 paper introducing Psycho-Social Transitions that “Grief is seen as a process of “realization” by means of which affectional bonds are severed and old models of the world and the self are given up”
  • Affectional bonds are the ties we make to aspects of our lives that we believe make up our identity. Anything that can be described as “mine” (my car, my school, my family, my city, etc) carries an affectional bond.

 

Two-Track 1981 by Professor Simon Shimshon Rubin

• Track I – How someone is functioning after a loss
• Track II – Relationship (memories, feelings, attachments and bonds to the person who died)

 

Four Tasks of Grief 1982  by J. William Worden, PhD

• Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner.
• 1. Accept the Reality of the Loss
• 2. Experience the Pain of Grief
• 3. Adjust to an Environment With the “Deceased” Missing
• 4. Find an Enduring Connection with the “Deceased” While Embarking on a New Life

 

New Model of Grief 1996 Dr. Tony Walter PhD

• The main model of grief can be summarized by Dr. Walter’s quote in his paper A New Model of Grief: Bereavement and Biography, “Trying to grasp the reality of the deceased being gone but yet being here, and doing this through continuously monitoring that reality by talking to those who knew them.”
• The model has 5 prominent elements
  • 1. Many bereaved people want to talk to others who knew the deceased
  • 2. Talking to a counselor or self-help group is second best
  • 3. The purpose of grief is not to move on without the deceased, but to find a secure place for them. For the place to be secure, the image of the deceased has to be reasonably accurate as tested by others who knew the deceased.
  • 4. It is difficult to connect with others who knew the deceased because of a more mobile, secular, and bureaucratic society.
  • 5. Bereavement is part of the process of (auto)biography, and the biographical imperative – the need to make sense of self and others in a continuing narrative – is the motor that drives bereavement behavior.

 

Dual Process 1999 Dr. Henk Schut, PhD & Dr. Margaret Stroebe PhD

• Originally developed to better understand the loss of a partner
• There are two categories of events that cause stress for the bereaved
  • Loss Oriented – “The Concentration on, and dealing with, processing of some aspect of the loss experience itself, most particularly, with respect to the deceased person
    • Focusing on the bond with the deceased person and the circumstances surrounding the death
    • Yearning for the deceased
    • Looking at old photos
    • Imagining how the deceased would react in various situations
    • Crying about the death of the loved one
  • Restoration Oriented – Secondary sources of stress “When a loved one dies, not only is their grief for the deceased person, one also has to adjust to substantial changes that are secondary consequences of loss. In many bereavements, these additional sources of stress add considerably to the burden of loss and cause extreme additional anxiety and upset.”
    • Household Finances
    • Cooking
    • Reorganization of life without the loved one (ie: selling a home)  
    • Identity Changes (spouse to widow(er) )
    • Driving
  • Oscillation –
    • Alternating between the Loss Oriented stressors and the Restoration Oriented stressors
    • Confrontation and Avoidance of Grief – “At times the bereaved will be confronted by their loss, at other times they will avoid memories, be distracted, or seek relief by concentration on other things.”

Below there are some theories that I know of but haven’t been able to read the actual academic papers covering them yet. I’ll link to some of my favorite blogs and resources that already cover the theories.

 

Narrative and Constructivist Approach 2001 (Meaning Making Approach Video Interview)  Dr. Robert A. Neimeyer, PhD

 

Trajectories Approach 2004 Dr. George Bonanno, PhD

Conclusion:

Grief and bereavement are deeply personal and fluid experiences. There is not a single grief theory that will fit your experience perfectly. Instead of trying to find the theory that explains your experience, I think it is better to pick and choose the pieces that work for you from the buffet of theories that exist. 

I’ve compiled a list of the best practices in grief that helped my wife and I through the loss of our loved ones. I’ll also be adding a series of articles from professionals, religious leaders, and normal people sharing their experiences with bereavement. I’m sure that if you encounter more information and stories you will find something that resonates with you. It’s true that our grief experiences are unique, but you are not alone in your journey.