The hardest lessons that we learn in life are the ones where we don’t get a second chance to apply the lessons learned. The death of a loved one is one of the most painful experiences that we can survive. In my opinion, the pain comes from the unanswered questions that fill our mind after we realize we lost the opportunity to ask them. The pain comes from realizing that the reconciliation that we have been putting off because of our own pride, can no longer happen. The pain comes from the inability to picture what life without that loved one will look like. If only I had understood the lessons below, I believe that the pain wouldn’t be quite so crushing.
Never wait for the right time to tell someone how you feel
I was young. I was starting to see my career skyrocket. I was rapidly moving through the corporate ranks, flying around the world for meetings, and attending top conferences in my industry. Throughout that journey, I would talk to my Mom on a daily basis. She was always there to use her brutal honesty in a beautifully tender way to let me know when I was about to do, or already did, something stupid. She has always been my sounding board.
The last conversation I had with my mom is one that will always stay with me. The phone conversation ended with her normal joyful and light-hearted disposition giving way to a more reserved and quiet demeanor. After prying to find out what was wrong, she said there was something she wanted to talk about, but she wanted to wait for me to come back to town. I had just arrived at my hotel for a work conference and I’m sure she thought whatever she wanted to say might burden me to the point I wouldn’t enjoy the conference. Less than 12 hours later I received a call to my hotel room at 3:00 AM telling me that my mom had a stroke and was in the ICU.
The “right time” to tell someone what is on your heart or how you are feeling is right now. It may feel awkward, the other person might not know how to react or what to say, but if the next time you can express yourself to them is during their eulogy, then you have done a disservice to them and will cause significant hurt for yourself. Whether the feeling you want to share is positive or negative, there won’t be a right time. In my case, there wasn’t enough time.
The words that someone uses to ask a question do not always reflect the real request a person is making
I’m a very literal person and I often make the mistake of thinking other people are the same way. I have a paradigm that compels me to believe that when people communicate, they are carefully choosing the words that they use to craft the clearest message they can. I’ve known that my paradigm is wrong, but I didn’t understand until after my Grandpa passed away from brain cancer.
As my Grandpa’s health started declining I made more frequent trips to his home to spend time with him and do whatever chores I could. Every time I would step through the front door he would ask me if I wanted a coffee. I was on the border of needing high blood pressure medication and my doctor recommended I cut coffee out of my diet. (I used to drink multiple pots a day). Every time my Grandpa would offer me coffee, I would politely reject his offer because I had to focus on my health.
After he passed away, as I was working through my grief, I recognized that I wasn’t listening to what he was asking. As I was growing up my Grandpa and I would drink coffee together regularly. Whether we were at his home, my home, or out to lunch. Drinking coffee was our ritual. During those declining months, he wasn’t offering me coffee because he was a good host. He was asking me to help him forget the pain of his current situation. He wanted to briefly return to a happier, familiar, and normal time. Every time I rejected his offer, I denied him what he was really asking for. My blood pressure would have been okay if I shared a few more cups of coffee with my Grandpa.
Do not take personal any actions or statements that a bereaved person makes
My Father-figure shared an incredible life secret with me before my wedding. He told me that in life there are three events that can facilitate the healing of almost any relationship: weddings, the birth of children, and deaths. The only way we can allow healing to begin is by opening our hearts and practicing more patience with those around us. Hopefully, they will do the same for us.
When someone we love passes away it is unpredictable how we will respond. It is unpredictable how others will respond. It’s almost like we put our emotions into a pot, put the lid on it, put it on the stove, and turn up the heat as high as it will go. Every pot will handle that heat differently. Some will have a rolling boil while the top might blow off of others. The misapplication of heat is not the fault of the pot.
As people try to find a path through their own grieving journey they may inadvertently hurt those around them. A family friend described the phenomenon as “hurt people, hurt people.” This beautifully concise statement is not a law, but it reframes what may feel like an attack against us into a plea for help. I made the mistake of taking things personally. This not only damaged my relationships but also stunted my own healing from the family loss.
You don’t know people nearly as much as you think you do
Growing up I spent a good amount of time with my Grandpa. Not as much as I wish I could have of course, but I am grateful for every moment we had. I could tell you just about anything you’d want to know about him. His hobbies, his military career, his dedication to his church and community. He is my Grandpa after all.
One of the most powerful traditions following a death is for friends and other family members to share stories of the deceased with the grieving family. I learned that when my Grandpa was in high school he would race the school bus that was carrying his future bride of 63 years. I knew my Grandpa was a bit of a rascal when he was young, but all that was going through my head was, “My Grandpa did what when he was a kid?!”
To borrow a line from Shrek, it’s not only ogres that are like onions. People have layers too. The nature of your relationship with a person will determine which layers of their story will be revealed to you. Sometimes we can stumble upon these different corners of the people we love, but oftentimes they will remain hidden. As people share stories about your loved one, listen carefully. You will learn that your loved one was stronger, braver, smarter, funnier, and kinder than you ever knew them to be.
The best story in the world is hidden in your family members
After hearing some of the stories about my Mom and Grandpa I had a few questions. Questions that I would have loved to ask them. Questions that only they had answers to. “What could have possibly been going through your mind when you did that? How did you feel after that happened to you? Why did you think that when none of your peers did? Who inspired you to become the incredible beacon in this world that you are?”
Unless you are lucky enough to find a journal that the deceased used to capture their feelings and thoughts, many of those questions will go unanswered. Personally, I have struggled with these questions and many others that are more significant. While I won’t be able to learn the answers to all of the questions I have. I am still able to learn the answers to different questions that I am coming up with daily. I recently learned that my Great-grandparent’s relationship started because mail was delivered to the wrong person that happened to share an identical name.
By learning about the people in our family we open an epic saga with more twists and turns than the most talented authors can craft. The saga is gripping not only because of yesteryear’s foreign customs and practices but because at the end of the winding storyline, you actually make an appearance. You gain an appreciation for life, your place in it, and for the people around you that is impossible to put into words. The best way to find motivation, community, and strength is by discovering your own origin story. Selfishly learn about yourself by generously listening to the stories of the people you love.
Conclusion:
As awkward as some of these practices are, I’ve tried to incorporate them into my life. I’ve noticed a significant improvement in my own mental health and wellbeing. If you have never lost anyone I hope that you think about adopting some of these lessons. For those of you who have lost loved ones, what do you think about these lessons? What is the most impactful lesson that you have learned from losing a loved one?
Art has an undeniable ability to touch parts of our hearts that are often locked away and only accessible through our subconscious. Not every piece of art has the keys to unlock the guarded door, and we can’t predict if a sculpture, painting, or song will be the arrow that pierces our soul. Even if you aren’t typically able to understand art, like me, we can still appreciate great art when we see it. During my darkest hour of grieving, after we had lost 5 of our relatives and then had to put our cat of 17 years to sleep, I came across a poem that struck at my core. It simultaneously hurt to read the truth it carried and healed much of the pain I had been enduring up to this point.
A Story From My Grief Journey – Hidden Source of Pain
After experiencing so much loss in a short period of time, the pain of losing a loved one had become commonplace. Through all of the hurt, I constantly asked myself why? Why do I feel so much pain? Why is it that I still have so much pain surrounding my Mother’s death when it was over 3 years ago? Why can’t I seem to find any kind of closure? Why can’t I just move on!
That question of “why” plagued me for years. Rationally I know that everyone will die. Logically the people that we are closest to will hurt the most to lose. The question of “why can’t I just move on?” was answered when I learned about Dr. Tony Walter’s New Model of Grief. After months of reading, I still couldn’t answer what caused the intensity of my pain.
It wasn’t until I stumbled upon the most powerful poem I encountered during my grief journey that I finally understood. Three lines and only 13 words. Those 13 words provided me with clarity of not only my own grief but exactly what I had seen in others. Those insightful 13 words are:
“I have lost. Not the memory of my father, but my father’s memory.”
After hearing those 13 words from the poem, I understood that my pain was coming from the idea that I might lose my Mother’s memory. As I mentioned in my post about The Top 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before Losing A Loved One, I talked to my Mom daily. Even though I talked to her daily, there is still so much that I don’t know about her. Ultimately I was afraid of losing the things that I did know about her; the nuances of her personality, the quirkiness of her sense of humor, and the tenderness of her heart.
After her second stroke, our roles reversed, and I was more of a caregiver than a son. Our conversations turned from her history and experiences to ensuring she took her medication and ate that day. Then, all of a sudden, without my input, I could never ask her another question. The great privilege of learning about her was no longer available to me because of the third stroke, which ultimately claimed her life. There were many serious (or maybe “important” is the right word) topics that I wanted to talk about, but I wanted to wait for the appropriate time. Now there was no time, no conversations, and no answers.
Nearly 3 years after my mom passed away, I lost my Grandpa to brain cancer. We had over a year together from his diagnosis to his passing. Throughout his declining health, I began helping with some chores, hydration therapy, picking him up if he fell, and staying by his side when he was in the hospital. While the hospital visits were not the best reason to be together, they were a huge gift to me, and I like to think that he also enjoyed our time together. We talked about my Mom (his daughter), shared tears about our loss, and we talked about his experiences through life.
I always knew my Grandpa, but I only knew him as my Grandpa. Through those conversations, I was able to see a sliver of him as a soldier, a friend, a community member, a father, and a husband. His lessons about the importance of dedication to wife and kids became the foundation of what I am striving for in my own family. I had time to ask questions and learn from my Grandpa before I lost him.
The biggest difference between losing my Mom and losing my Grandpa is the number of intentional conversations we had. With my Mom, I didn’t recognize that there was a time limit on our time together, and I put off those intentional conversations. With my Grandpa, it was a race to collect, just like the poem referenced, as many stories from his exclusive library as possible.
Recreating The Library
After someone is buried, it is common for the people in attendance to share their fondest memories with the surviving family. I realized that those conversations are actually like the process of returning a book to the library. The stories comfort the family because the family reclaims a part of the person that they have lost. While it is impossible to rebuild the entire library, we can preserve enough to have a very good representation of the person we lost.
I found the process of collecting as many of these memories as possible to be the best medicine for the pain immediately following my losses. On the long road of healing after my losses, I occasionally fall into low spots. By returning to the library of memories I collected and focussing on the incredible life of the person I lost and their impacts on the people in their lives, I quickly put myself in a much better mood.
This idea is what inspired me to begin developing a website that will allow me to easily collect stories and memories, store them in a safe place, and return to them any time I wanted. I noticed that as people shared stories with me about someone I lost, I would often be reminded of another story. When I would share the story I was reminded of, it would inspire the listener to share a different story. The more people that participated, the more stories I could collect. The more stories I could collect, the less my grieving journey hurt.
Conclusion:
You never know what will inspire you. You don’t know when it will happen. You don’t know the magnitude of change that will come. For me, thirteen words from a poem inspired me to embark on a quest to ease the pain of losing loved ones for as many people as possible. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to start collecting books for your library!
What do you think of this poem? Are there any pieces of art that have helped you on your grieving journey? Is there a piece that you want me to cover? If you are curious about the website I used to collect and store memories, join our mailing list to receive exclusive updates!
There are small routines that we develop over time that become part of our world. You could almost say that these routines become part of our identity. They could be with a substance like cigarettes and alcohol or to an activity like exercising. We may start and stop some habits because of stress, but what about when the habit involves another person, and that person passes away? When you can no longer return to that habit, you are forced to change or remove part of your identity and the death of part of yourself compounds the pain of losing a loved one.
I frequently travel for my work. I would pass through the Seattle Tacoma Airport at least seven times a week for connections. The connections were usually between 1.5-3 hours. Without fail, for five years, I would call my mom every time I was waiting for my flight.
It’s a strange phenomenon, but people can open up more on the phone than in person. I would talk to my mom about her day, health, work, family history, personal history, the lessons she learned throughout her life, and the prism through which she viewed the world. I treasured those phone calls and looked forward to them every time I traveled. They were my relief valve for a challenging and fast paced career.
These phone calls rejuvenated me and motivated me to continue grinding away at some of the more monotonous parts of life. These phone calls with my mom were part of the bedrock of who I am. Then my mom passed away. After my mom died, I still had to go to work, I still had to travel, and I still had to go through the Seattle airport at least seven times a week. Now every time I traveled, I was confronted with my loss. Every time I was in the Seattle airport, I felt as lost as a broken-down boat floating in the middle of the ocean.
Psychosocial Transitions by Dr. Colin Murray Parkes 1971
Like some of the other grief theories, the Psychosocial Transition theory is not only designed to understand grief. The theory is born from a combination of stress research, crisis studies, and loss research. The original paper is an excellent read and touches on many areas, including divorce, a new way to think about crime and punishment, and even homelessness. In the abstract of the article Psychosocial Transitions: A Field For Study, where Dr. Parkes introduced the theory, he concisely says, “Grief is seen as a process of ‘realization’ by means of which affectional bonds are severed and old models of the world, and the self are given up.” While simple on the surface, there is actually a fair amount to unpack.
One of the most well-adapted parts of Dr. Parke’s theory is the idea of an assumptive world. “The assumptive world is the only world we know, and it includes everything we know or think we know. It includes our interpretation of the past and our expectations of the future, our plans, and our prejudices.” That definition is a lot to chew on, but after grasping this as our starting block, the rest of the theory ‘just makes sense.’
Inside of our assumptive world, we have built a metaphorical sense of ownership around pieces of our identity that are more significant to us. The things that we usually describe as “mine” are the things that we have affectional bonds with. (‘My job’ is in ‘my home city’ where ‘my school’ and ‘my favorite sports team’ are. More importantly, ‘my city’ is where ‘my mom’ was.) The term psycho-social transitions is defined as “major changes which are lasting in their effects, which take place over a relatively short period of time and which affect large areas of the assumptive world.”
Dr. Parkes further expands on the process of changes by saying, “Some of these changes fulfill expectations and require little or no changes in the assumptive world, others necessitate a major restructuring of that world, the abandonment of one set of assumptions and the development of a fresh set to enable the individual to cope with the new, altered life. If the changes take place gradually and the individual has time to prepare, little by little, for the restructuring, the chances that this will follow a satisfactory course are greater than they would be if the change was sudden and unexpected.”
The last piece of the theory that I want to share with you describes the pain associated with psychosocial transitions. “… some changes in life may cause me to ‘question an assumption’; to objectify an assumption and examine it much as one might question a witness in a court of law. Such examinations are painful because of the threat which they represent to the established assumptive world. Moreover, there are many assumptions which are not ‘open to question.’”
The Application of Psychosocial Transitions in My Life
When my mom passed away from a stroke, there was no time to prepare. My assumptive world was thrown into an abyss of chaos. Most of my expectations for the future evaporated without any regard for my opinion. My mom was going to meet my firstborn child in 5 months. We were going to spend our holidays at her house. My mom was going to spoil my daughter despite what my wife and I said. Now that my career was finally starting to take off, I was going to be able to start repaying her for all of the sacrifices she made and the support she gave me. I would buy her the small luxuries that she always wanted (a brand new refrigerator, one of those nice looking fake fireplaces from Costco, mirrored sliding doors for her closet). I could finally afford to take her on our first real family vacation.
My non-negotiable assumption was that my mom’s life and my family’s life were finally getting better. In a moment, half of that assumption was made impossible. I notice that almost four years later, I still try to avoid abandoning this assumption. Every time I pass through the Seattle-Tacoma airport, I am forced to confront it again. As time passes, I can slowly rebuild that assumption in a new form. In order to reshape it, I have to examine it like Dr. Parkes described, as a witness in a courtroom.
Part of the reason I created Living Observance is to help me maintain my non-negotiable assumption in a healthier way. While my mom is no longer here with us, my memories of her, and all of her friends and family’s memories, still are. By compiling all of those memories in one spot, my assumption can still be realized because her memory will constantly be getting better. My children will also, in a way, still be able to meet her. Her humor, her wisdom, and her gentleness will still be shared with my children, and because of that, she will continue to be a part of their lives. Because my mom will continue to be a part of my children’s lives, the second part of my assumption can be realized. My family’s lives will continue to get better.
Conclusion:
Grief theories are constantly developing and adapting to the new information that we learn. There most likely isn’t going to be a single theory that matches all of your experiences, but there will be several that touch some aspect of your journey. The more touchpoints you encounter, the more you will understand yourself and, more importantly, what your needs are to heal.
What do you think of Dr. Parkes Psychosocial Transitions theory? Is there another theory that better aligns with your experiences? If you enjoy these articles about understanding grief, join our mailing list to ensure you are notified when the next theory comes out.
Many of the classic approaches to grief seem to prescribe certain gateway emotions or actions to progress through grief. Those gateways are broad observations from looking at large sample sizes. These observations are helpful (and powerful) in the same way that statistics can identify general trends. Similarly, the most significant weakness is that these observations can not be applied to an individual, just like statistics. As a result, parts of some of the theories will feel like they are spot on in your individual experience. In contrast, the same theory feels like it misses the mark with several other ideas it puts forward. Sometimes, it is better to evaluate a few case studies in-depth rather than a large data set.
A Story From My Grief Journey – Lack of Direction (How Do I Fix This & What Do I Do Next?)
After my mom passed away, I struggled to talk about her. There were a few reasons, but two that always floated to the top were the suddenness of losing her and then the private lifestyle that I live. Having spoken with her just hours before her fatal stroke, it was just too soon and I couldn’t talk to people about what had happened to her. Emotionally I wouldn’t be ready until roughly 14 months later.
When close family friends were kind enough to approach me and share their fondest memories of my mom, I listened and hung on every word. Still, the version of my mom that they shared was just different enough from the version I knew that I couldn’t relate. My mom often told me that I was the only person who really understood all of her. At least the parts that she was aware of.
She wore her heart on her sleeve. Metaphorically, she had to wear long sleeves to display her big heart, but she restricted herself to short sleeves for the majority of her life because of how often she had been hurt. That meant that when some people shared their version of her with me, I could tell very quickly that they only knew my mom superficially. They knew the character associated with the mask, but they didn’t know her.
I felt that I couldn’t process my emotions and feelings because I couldn’t talk to anyone about them. I felt like I couldn’t let go of my mom and just move on. I did find some relief from the stories of my mom when she was younger. I learned about many formative experiences that she had. From learning about those experiences, I gained a greater appreciation for everything she had accomplished. There were also a few people that shared the same sense of her as I did. Unfortunately for me, when they were ready to talk about my mom, I wasn’t.
The New Model of Grief by Dr. Tony Walter PhD
This theory’s inspiration came from the mismatching of classic bereavement research compared to Dr. Walter’s personal experience with two deaths. Dr. Walter then reflected on what he experienced and suggested a new way to think about grief, and gave practical advice on productively moving through it. I highly recommend you read the paper for yourself by clicking here. Inside the document, Dr. Walter has many personal examples illustrating the New Model of Grief in a relatable way.
Dr. Walter’s theory can be summarized by a quote from one of his family friends during his father’s funeral, “..we should keep the spirit of the deceased alive, that we acknowledge them as a continuing member of our family and community. We are who we are in part because of who they were, and we are denying reality if we try to leave them entirely behind.”
The New Model of Grief has 5 fundamental assertions that we, as nonacademics, can utilize in our lives. The new model suggests that:
Many bereaved people want to talk to others who knew the deceased.
Talking to a counselor or self-help group is second best to talking with people who actually knew the deceased.
The purpose of grief is not to move on without the deceased, but to find a secure place for them. For the place to be secure, the image of the deceased has to be reasonably accurate as tested by others who knew the deceased.
It is difficult to connect with others who knew the deceased because of a more mobile, secular, and bureaucratic society.
Bereavement is part of the process of (auto)biography, and the biographical imperative – the need to make sense of self and others in a continuing narrative – is the motor that drives bereavement behavior.
In the paper, Dr. Walter also expanded on the complications that can occur when communicating with others who knew the deceased. “Different members of the same family may grieve in different ways or at different rates, making communication very difficult and the creation of a shared understanding of the role of the deceased in the family almost impossible.”
The communication barriers can be further complicated because of other generational, cultural, and religious expectations. “Norms for talking about death are changing, so different generations may no longer know how to communicate with each other on the matter – a traditionally religious grandparent, a stiff upper lip parent, and an adult child who has learned to be more expressive may have great difficulties communicating at precisely the moment they most need to.”
Dr. Walter referenced Rabbi Sliw’s idea that “the final goal of mourning is to construct an enduring and shared memory of the deceased.” Dr. Walter also beautifully encapsulates one of his bereavement experiences after many conversations with friends and family of a deceased friend by saying, “I began to understand her and my relationship with her as never before. I had lost my best friend, and yet in a way I had found her for the first time.”
The Application of The New Model of Grief in My Life
I certainly felt the anger described in Dr. Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages of grief. Dr. Worden’s 4 phases of grief seemed to make sense but were too general for me to take any actions based on it. I love Dr. Wolfelt’s Companioning Approach, but I can’t companion myself, and it is a bit awkward to teach someone how to companion me. I had all of this theory, but nothing I could actually do with it.
After experiencing 5 deaths in 3.5 years, I was finally able to figure out that I didn’t need to let go of my mom. My mom is a huge part of who I am today. Every time I tried to “let her go,” I was attempting to kill a part of myself. Self-harm is the opposite of self-help, but it’s not easy to see that while being stuck in an emotional vortex. As time passed, and I took more of a support role during our most recent losses, I was able to take a step back and observe others that were going down the same road that I had.
As I watched, I still couldn’t conjure the words to describe the healthy grieving activities that were happening before me. I was watching the rebuilding of a shared representation of the deceased. The exchange of photos, stories, and memories were all in an attempt to focus on the character of the person that had passed away. People were sharing to ensure that the deceased’s memory wasn’t lost.
The New Model of Grief resonated with me more than any other theory that I have encountered. One of the most incredible parts is that it was published all the way back in 1996. Grief theory won’t show up on the nightly news and isn’t something we think about until we find ourselves in the middle of it. If someone can only learn about a single grief theory, I would recommend that they read the 20-page paper by Dr. Tony Walter on The New Grief Theory.
A large reason why I founded Living Observance was to do exactly what Dr. Walter describes. I needed to find a secure place for my mom. I also needed a way to collect the gems that family, friends, and neighbors were eager to give me. I wasn’t able to engage with them when they were generously trying to help me. I wanted a way for them to contribute their memories when they were ready, and I could digest them when I was ready. All of this needed to be stored in a permanent and easily accessible way.
Conclusion:
Grief theories are continually developing and adapting to the new information that we learn. There most likely isn’t going to be a single theory that matches your experiences exactly, but there will be several that touch some aspect of your journey. The more touchpoints you encounter, the more you will understand yourself and, more importantly, what your needs are to heal.
What do you think of Dr. Walters New Model of Grief? Are you enjoying the posts about grief theory? Is there a theory that you want us to cover? If you enjoy these articles about better understanding grief, join our mailing list to ensure you are notified when the next theory comes out.
If you are like me, when you are in the middle of being swallowed by grief, you are hoping that anything will come to lift you out of that negative place. You can engage in many activities that will temporarily dull the pain of your loss, but they come at the expense of your future. In this article, you’ll find some of the healthier practices that can help you work through your pain today without sacrificing your future self.
Admittedly, the title of the article is slightly misleading. There is not a single method or path that leads to the most healthy grieving process. That said, there are several common traps to avoid and several positive actions you should try to employ. The purpose of this post is to help you navigate the minefield that I experienced during my grief journey.
This is going to be a longer post. For those of you that would like the highlight reel, here are the major bullet points to aid your grieving journey. If you’d like a little more detail, you can either click on the topic you want to explore more or scroll down for the rest of the article.
Throughout my childhood and adult life, I’ve received positive feedback about my ability to keep a positive and even temperament despite the situations that surrounded me. I actually came to pride myself on being (I’m going to create a new word here)” “unrattle-able.” Then my Mom passed away.
For the six weeks she was in the ICU, I was able to keep my cool while talking to hospital staff or family. I was with her as she passed. In the first hour after, I felt like the world was muted. The sounds of the machines that had been keeping my mom alive disappeared. I couldn’t hear the rush hour traffic outside anymore. Time just seemed to melt away. After that hour passed, I was consumed by anger. To this day, I can’t tell you what I was really angry at, but I was willing to direct it at the first person that dared to, in my opinion at the time, misstep.
I have never been angry like that in my life. Like I mentioned in the article about the Top 5 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Lost A Loved One, hurt people have a tendency to hurt people. I was projecting my pain onto others. Anger was my surprise emotion. It very well could have been depression, relief, confusion, hopelessness, contentment, and even joy that our loved one is no longer in pain. After your loved one passes away, emotions (or the lack of emotions) are going to come to you. Recognize those emotions and try to reframe them into more positive expressions. Just don’t be surprised when you may be feeling an emotion for the first time or stronger than you have experienced before.
Today, more than 3 years after my Mom passed away, I am still grieving losing her. I am able to talk about her, and the negative feelings surrounding her death are mostly gone. I still have moments of sadness when I think about things like her missing the birth of my firstborn child by 4 months. Overall those sad moments are becoming fewer and farther between.
I was able to get to this same stage of grief recovery for my Grandpa in a significantly shorter time. I may have reached this stage faster because I have more experience now, but I think it is because I had so many more intentional conversations with my Grandpa. In my post about the poem “Farewell Father,” I talk about how the source of my pain came from the list of unanswered questions that I had. I was able to get more of those answers from my Grandpa before he passed away than I did from my mom.
There are so many different factors that can affect your individual grieving timeline that it is impossible to make a one size fits all plan. I can tell you that your experience will be unique to you. Don’t compare your experience to anyone else’s. Don’t try to rush through it. Let your grief unfold as it happens. You will recover in time.
When I lost the people I care about, in moments of weakness, I would wish that I could forget about them. My pain was too great, and I was sure that if I could remove them from my memory, I could finally move on. I mistakenly believed that the faster they were left behind, the faster I could move forward. Looking back, I can see how I caused myself more pain.
One of my favorite quotes about bereavement comes from a research paper by Dr. Tony Walter on The New Model of Grief. He quotes a family friend that said, “..we should keep the spirit of the deceased alive, that we acknowledge them as a continuing member of our family and community. We are who we are in part because of who they were, and we are denying reality if we try to leave them entirely behind.”
I don’t think that we ever really “move on” from someone that has had a significant role in our lives. Whether that person is deceased or still alive, their absence from our life is painful. The solution is not to remove the person from our memory but to find an appropriate place for them. We should recognize their contributions to who we are.
After my Mom and my Grandpa passed away, I recognized that my thought process was pretty negative. I quickly corrected my behavior after my Grandpa passed, but there were still multiple times that I would slip back into it. As I would stew in that negativity, everything and anything that other people did just frustrated me. I would have thoughts like, “How could this person disrespect MY Mom that way?!” and “There is no way that Grandpa would approve of this!”
In reality, my Mom wasn’t being disrespected. My Grandpa probably would have just chuckled at whatever was happening. Because I was focusing on my own negative feelings, I convinced myself that my deceased loved ones would feel the same way. After I made myself believe that my loved ones were being disrespected, I only made myself more angry, for a longer period of time, and at a higher intensity.
The secret I discovered to avoid focussing on my grief was to help others with theirs. As I talked to my friends and family about their fondest memories of my deceased family, I could see that they enjoyed sharing those memories, and selfishly I enjoyed being reminded of certain personality quirks that I had forgotten about. Instead of focusing on the negative feelings, focus on remembering the deceased’s character and all of the good they contributed to this world.
I am a very reserved person. I rarely let anyone know what I am experiencing on the inside. That trait serves me well in many situations, but healing from grief isn’t one of them. I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone because I didn’t want them to feel the weight of my depression. As I tried to deal with my grief alone, I became incredibly lonely.
I had to meet with the estate lawyers, I had to organize the funeral, I had to contact the creditors, and I had to (try to anyway) be a good husband and father. It all became too much. When I started to ask for help, I was surprised how many people were able to step up. In fact, they were eager to do whatever they could for me. They were only waiting for me to say what I needed. As an added bonus, they felt better knowing that they are able to do something that helped me.
There were a couple of people that were a bit “too helpful.” Trying to be as honest but still respectful as possible, I thanked them for all of their support up to that point and explained that now I needed some time for myself. They didn’t take any offense, and as quickly as they came to help, they then gave me space. If you don’t know what you need, that is a great place to start with people. You can always say, “I just don’t know yet.” The key is just being honest.
Not everyone finds comfort in groups. I’m an introvert. While I can function in groups, I feel exhausted by the end of the affair. So many of the events that follow someone’s death involve gatherings of people. Many times as a surviving family member, others will want to interact with you. Everyone who comes to you has the best intentions, but sometimes you need a break from it all.
There were several times where I turned off my phone and went for a drive. I mentioned earlier that you can help yourself by helping others with their grief. I genuinely believe that, but there is an exception. You have to take care of yourself first. Just like in the safety briefing on an aircraft (that every single passenger removes their headphones to listen to), you must secure your own oxygen before helping others.
If you burn out, then you hurt yourself and those around you. Take time for yourself.
My Mom was the first person I lost. I felt that to be a good son, I had to take care of everything by myself. The only way I could do it all was by sacrificing my sleep and relationships. In the middle of the night, as I was trying to finish the handouts for the funeral, I hit my wall. I was trying to avoid my grief by focussing on the administrative tasks. Grief engulfed me.
For the next 2 days, every time I tried to tackle the administrative tasks, I was trying to confine my grief. As I repressed my grief, I was overwhelmed by guilt. Eventually, my wife, with all of her grace and wisdom, encouraged me to take a break. She encouraged me to disconnect from everything, if only for 30 minutes. I drove to my favorite fast food joint and ordered my favorite milkshake: peanut butter, chocolate, and banana. That short break was exactly what I needed to reset my emotional state.
As you wrestle with grief, know that it’s okay to still experience some joy and happiness. You don’t need to be sad all of the time in order to honor your loved one. The companies that need copies of the death certificates can wait a few days before closing the accounts. Take time to do something that will make you happy.
After losing someone you care about, it’s hard to know what to say, let alone who you should say it to. You might know that you want to say something, but you just can’t quite figure out how to express it. The other people that were close with the person that passed away will all be feeling the same way. There is also a long list of reasons why communication might be challenging between two people grieving the same loss. Two of the biggest reasons are the different speeds at which people grieve and the many different styles that people grieve.
When you are ready, you should reach out to other people that knew your loved one. That small gesture gives them (and yourself) permission to start a conversation. It might be stop-and-go or a bit awkward, but as you both share memories about the deceased, you will recreate an image of them that will help both of you heal. In my experiences, I was able to rediscover my relationship with the deceased and, in a way, meet them for the first time. Everyone I talked to knew a slightly different version of my loved one. These conversations are not only the best way to honor the deceased but also the best way to begin healing your own emotional pain.
There are two practices that I found to significantly improve my state of mind and expedite my grief recovery. I struggled with my grief for 3 years before I finally learned these lessons.
The first practice was recording all of the positive memories and stories I had about my loved ones. I started asking family members for the stories associated with some old photos I found, I asked about what my loved ones were like before I was around, and most importantly, I listened to every word that they shared with me.
I started to record all of the stories. I started to compile the photos that had the most significance to my family members. I watched hours of home videos and took notes about what was in each video. By putting all of these written, video, and photographic memories together in one place, I made something that I can return to when I miss my loved one. I also created something that I can use to introduce my children, that were born after the death, to my loved one in the same light that I remembered them.
The second practice that helped me most throughout my grief journey was simply recognizing how many people cared about my loved one. As I had conversations and collected memories, I learned how much other people genuinely cared about my loved one.
Author Douglas Wood said it best in his book, which is appropriately named The Secret of Saying Thanks, “The heart that gives thanks is a happy one, for we cannot feel thankful and unhappy at the same time.”
When I started to thank people for the friendships they shared with my loved one (I know it can sound a little weird to say it out loud), I started to recognize how many people actually cared about me also. The more gratitude I expressed, the more support I found, and the faster my pain started to subside. I finally found myself being able to cheerfully talk about the people I’d lost. The key was simply to start saying thank you to the people helping me. Who would have guessed it?
Conclusion:
At the end of the day, the best method for healthy grieving is the one that you create. Because of the many factors that personalize our grief experiences, it is impossible for anyone to tell you what your journey will be like. I sincerely hope that some of the practices I covered in this post will help you. You can put many of these methods to work in your daily life. The more you flex these muscles today, the easier it will be to use them when you need them.
When someone you care about has experienced a death, it can be challenging to know what you can do or say to show your support for them. When you search the internet for ideas, you’ll undoubtedly see plenty of websites offering sympathy gifts, condolence gifts, or sentimental gifts that you can buy. The best gift that you can give to someone that is grieving is not something that money can buy. It is something that only you can share. The single most meaningful gift for a bereaved person is a shared story about the loved one that passed away.
Before jumping into the main subject of this post, I have a disclaimer. Unfortunately, this gift only works if you personally knew the person that passed away. If you didn’t know the person that passed away but still want to support someone who is grieving, Dr. Alan Wolfelt Ph.D. has done an exceptional job with the Companioning Approach. Dr. Wolfelt’s approach uses 11 simple tenets that provide everyone with the tools necessary to support a bereaved person.
If you did know the person that passed away, then you are in a unique position to give a gift that the bereaved will cherish for many years to come. As I mentioned in the post about the New Model of Grief by Dr. Tony Walter, and the post about the poem Farewell Father by Stefan Molyneux, one of the core struggles we have with grief is understanding what exactly we lose when a person dies and why it is so painful.
As I was mourning the loss of my mother, I felt like I was drowning in my grief. I tend to keep my cards close to hand and try not to broadcast my internal struggles to the external world. This resulted in me seeming stand-offish and cold to the people that were trying to support me. Occasionally people would engage me in directionless conversation about how I am doing and what they could do to help me. The interactions were short because I couldn’t articulate what I needed to feel better. I already had the administrative tasks taken care of. I tried to avoid conversations about my mom because I didn’t think I was emotionally ready.
Over the next 3 years, my wife lost her mother, grandpa, and aunt. My wife is from Taiwan, so there are some cultural differences surrounding death, but we still learned several lessons that are universal. The most applicable lesson here is about conversations about the loved one that passed away. In preparation for the funeral service, the family will gather together and make origami offerings that will be cremated with the body. As the family is working together to create offerings that honor the deceased, they are sharing happy memories about their loved one. The foldings take place in large rooms that accommodate around 15-20 families. When I first walked into the room I was surprised by how jovial the atmosphere was. I was expecting to see many sad and weeping faces. On the contrary, most people had smiles on their faces, and some were even chuckling quietly.
It wasn’t until my grandpa passed away that I recognized one of the greatest gifts to give someone who lost a loved one. I regularly went to visit my grandmother after my grandpa passed. Each time she would share the sympathy cards that had arrived. Many of the cards said something to the effects of what a great man my grandpa was, how they will miss him, and that they are sorry for the loss. There is one card that stood out from all of the others. It was simple and from someone at the church who knew my grandpa, but I wouldn’t say they were very close. I’m going to paraphrase, but inside the card, it said something along the lines of:
“I will always remember our second visit to St Mary’s. The first visit is marked by meeting Jack (my grandpa). It has been a long time since we had met someone with his kindness and wit. We genuinely felt like we were long-time friends after that first visit. When we came back the next week, I saw Jack happily chatting with others across the hall and I yelled, “Hi Jack!” and waved to him. The smile on his face quickly faded and he hurried over to me with a grim look on his face. He leaned in and whispered, “Don’t ever say that in an airport!” before he burst into laughter and pulled me close for a hug.”
My Grandma, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, and I look at that card regularly. It captures a small piece of the person we love and preserved it for us.
What To Send When Someone Dies
The best condolence gift or sympathy gift is a simple hand-written note of a memory that you shared with the deceased.
One of the core practices that I recommend in my post about The Best Method for Healthy Grieving is preserving positive memories about the deceased. By writing down a positive memory, you are accomplishing many different tasks that help the grieving person.
You are helping them shift their focus from the negative perspective of what they have lost to a positive view of realizing all of the positive memories they still have
You are allowing the bereaved person to revisit memories of the deceased when they are ready and, because it is written down, as many times as they would like
You are allowing the bereaved person the opportunity to share your memory with other grieving parties that you may not be familiar with
Conclusion:
I hope that this post has given you an idea about what you can say or give to someone that lost a loved one. The best gifts don’t cost money, and the most comforting words you can say don’t need to be fancy or flowery.
What do you think about my gift recommendation? Is there a more meaningful gift that you have received?
I was out of town when I received a phone call that my mom was hospitalized from a bilateral ischemic stroke. The floor felt like it had melted beneath my feet and I was starting to freefall into a foreign environment where there was no order to reality. During the time my Mom was in the ICU and later after she passed away I was completely overwhelmed by the sudden prospect of losing my mom, the legal issues surrounding her health and estate (no will was in place), informing friends and family of what happened, fielding questions about my mom, having conversations with the health care team, researching about her condition and possible treatments, and trying to find time for self care. I was grasping for any semblance of an order to everything that was swirling around me. I wanted to stop falling. In one of my lowest moments I asked myself, “Isn’t there some kind of thing about stages of grief?” I thought that what I would later discover is called Stage Theory would save me from the stresses I was drowning in.
In this article I’ll share with you what I learned. Before we jump into Stage Theory I want to insert one disclaimer. The grief that we all feel is incredibly unique.
Talented Professionals and Academics dedicate enormous amounts of time to understanding how we grieve. When one of them notices a pattern, they will start to investigate the pattern. If the pattern looks to be true across a wide variety of a specific population then the pattern is turned into a theory.
None of the theories around grieving are 100% applicable to everyone. You may find that some aspects of one theory apply to you while others don’t fit into your experience at all.
Stage Theory is a tool that you can use to begin shaping your own understanding of grief, but it is not the only theory you should follow. The stages of grief acted as a diving board in my own journey of learning about grief, and I hope that this article can help you on your journey.
The stages of grief, or formally known as Stage Theory, is a method of categorizing the recovery process after a traumatic experience. The basic idea is that after a person loses someone that they will go through a series of generalized stages. At each one of the stages the bereaved person needs a specific kind of support in order for them to progress to the next stage. By successfully completing each stage a person is able to move past their grief and recover from their loss.
Due to the varying and complex nature of grief it is challenging for regular people to know how to process their own emotions following a loss. Stage Theory is a major subject in popular grief education due to its concise and easy to understand explanation.There are several variations to the original presentation, but the end goal is the same.
As with any technical subject that has been widely adopted by popular culture, there are several misconceptions about the stages of grief. Before we can dive into what the stages are, we need to talk about what the stages are not. This will provide us with a framework to understand the intention of each theory.
A “Normal” Grieving Experience
There is no such thing as a “normal” grieving experience. Every person will have their own and unique experience when they grieve. The more you talk to others about their experiences, the more you will see common themes occur, but that does not make the experiences identical.
The stages that are in each of the theories below are the most common themes that the authors have found in their research and conversations. Just because the themes are the most common doesn’t mean that they are universal.
If your experience doesn’t align with the stages we will cover, that is okay. That is normal. You are still grieving successfully and on the road the healing. These stages are only large buckets to help us organize extremely complex thoughts about a mysterious experience.
Descriptive vs Prescriptive
All of the stages of grief are only descriptions of what people might experience. This is a critical misunderstanding that can cause significant pain and complications for bereaved people. The stages of grief should never be used to forecast someone’s recovery process or used as gates to force bereaved people through.
As people grieve, these stages can serve as a way to help them express their current state in the grieving process. The stages can help them to categorize new feelings that they may never have experienced before.
Moving Through The Stages
Because of how simply stage theory lays out the grieving process, it is easy to believe that the sequences presented are the correct order we should be experiencing. The reality is that we may experience more than one stage at the same time. We may experience the stages in a different order. We may never experience some of the stages.
We all will grieve in our own way and on our own schedule. There is no way to force ourselves (or others) to move through the stages in a specific order or at a pace other than what we need.
Timeline Of Grief Process
There is no standard amount of time that someone may be grieving. Bereaved people will often report that they feel they are recovering in the second year, but grief can last much longer.
Yale did a study on bereavement that followed over 200 people bereaved people over the course of 24 months. The study concluded that most of the stages that are filled with intensely negative feelings will peak at 6 months as acceptance gradually increases over the next 24 months.
Variations of the Stages Of Grief
Stage theory was originally developed in 1969. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, was the first person to present the idea of stages of grief. Dr. Kübler-Ross opened the door to conversations about dying and grieving. Since that time there have been many variations of her original idea.
Stage Theory was developed by Dr. Kübler-Ross after she interviewed around 200 of her patients that were terminally ill and dying. Throughout her conversations she noticed a repeating pattern that nearly all of her patients experienced. She documented her findings and published them in a book called “On Death and Dying”, which was published in 1969.
Her work was focused on describing the grief the people experience as they are facing the end of their own life. She suggests that by identifying the various stages that someone is in, healthcare professionals and supporting people will be able to provide the specific care that is necessary. The stages also help those who have never been through such an intense experience as facing your own mortality to empathize with the grieving person.
Dr. Kübler-Ross originally suggested that there are five stages that people will go through sequentially. Later she clarified that there are bridge stages and that some stages may be experienced simultaneously or in preparation for the following stage.
The Five Stages Of Grief Are:
Denial – When a person believes that the painful information they received is not true. If they do believe the information, they may put undeserved confidence into alternative methods of correcting the problem. Dr Kübler-Ross suggested that in order to support the person, we should not try to prove them wrong or argue with them. Instead, the person needs to fully experience denial.
Anger – When the person accepts the painful information and recognizes that the plans they had previously can’t happen anymore. The person may also have unfinished business that they are unable to complete. The person may focus that frustration at healthcare professionals or those that are close to them. People that are in the Anger stage need to be granted as much control as possible. If they can feel in control of something in their life, then they will start to feel in charge of their remaining life.
Bargaining – After the person feels that they have some control in their future, they will bargain for more time to live. Usually the bargaining stems from guilt. The target of the bargaining is usually either a physician or a higher power. Dr. Kübler-Ross believed that people that are bargaining need to be heard. They will tell you what they need to find closure. To support the person, we should do what is reasonable to help them fulfill these needs. It may be something as simple as contacting someone in their life.
Depression – As the person recognizes that death is more likely they will move into the depression stage. The depression may be in preparation of death, or perhaps something that the person has already lost. If the person is willing, it is important to let them share their worries and feelings. The person needs to be heard more than anything else at this stage.
Acceptance – After completing all of the other stages, the person will accept their fate. They may start to speak more openly about their death and current feelings. Like the depression stage, the best way to support someone that has accepted their future is to be a good listener. Dr Kübler-Ross suggests that patients that don’t keep their feelings bottled up tend to pass away more peacefully.
The Four Phases of Grief were designed by Dr. John Bowlby, MD and Dr. Colin Murray Parkes, MD in 1980. Dr. Bowlby brought his experience in attachment theory and Dr. Parkes contributed his experience with human information processing to create the foundation of the four phases of grief. While the five stages of grief focus on facing one’s own end of life, the four phases document the grief process for the survivors of someone that passes away.
They suggest that grief is not simply a series of gates to pass through before reaching full recovery. In his 1998 article “Coping with loss, Bereavement in adult life”, Dr Parkes says, “…the phases of grief should not be regarded as a rigid sequence that is passed through only once. The bereaved person must pass back and forth between pining [searching] and despair many times before coming to the final phase of reorganization.”
The Four Phases Of Grief Are:
Shock and Numbness – When a loved one passes away, the survivor will experience a period of shock that evolves into a numbness that can last for a few hours or days. This numbness is a natural coping mechanism that allows the survivor to continue functioning during the period of immense pain.
Yearning and Searching – Shortly after the first phase, a survivor will start to experience strong feelings of yearning for the deceased and anxiety about life without that person. In this phase people are able to take care of basic functions and responsibilities.
Disorganization and Despair – The survivor will start to reflect on the loss and all of the events preceding it. This reflection is usually done in a way where the survivor is wondering if there is anything that they could have done to change the outcome of the death. There may also be a feeling that the person that passed away is still nearby. A survivor may feel that they see or hear the deceased during times of great drowsiness.
Reorganization and Recovery – As the survivor experiences fewer cycles of Phase 2 and Phase 3 they will eventually begin to reinvest their energy into forging a life routine that doesn’t include the deceased. The survivor’s feelings of grief surrounding the loss of their loved one are slowly replaced by positive ones.
You can read more detailed information about the three stage model at ElderCareOnline.net
The Three Stages of Grief model is a simplified version of stage theory by Dr. Roberta Temes Ph.D. in 1992. She presented the three stage model in her book, “Living with an Empty Chair: A Guide Through Grief”. Dr. Temes work provided a much flexible framework for a bereaved person. There have been several variations of the three stage model, but they all fall in line with the original model.
The Three Stages Of Grief Are:
Numbness / Shock / Disbelief
Disorganization / Adjusting / Experiencing The Loss
Reorganization / New Life / Reintegration
6 Stages, 7 Stages, 9 Stages, and 12 Stages of Grief
When searching on the internet for “Stage of Grief” there are several variations that will come up. Many of these are slight redesigns or combinations of the 4 and 5 stage models.
The 9 and 12 stage models of grief are not as widely popularized. These primarily relate to models of grief specifically related to grief induced by divorce. There is a 9 stage model of grief that has been written about in detail by Mike Takieddine.
The 9 Stages Of Grief Are:
Hope, Anxiety, Depression, Denial, Pain and Guilt, Anger and Bargaining, Acceptance, Depression, Reverie and Revival
Grief theories are constantly developing and adapting to the new information that we learn. There most likely isn’t going to be a single theory that matches all of your experiences, but there will be several that touch some aspect of your journey. The more touchpoints you encounter, the more you will understand yourself and, more importantly, what your needs are to heal.
Stage theory is popular because of its incredible simplicity. This simplicity is one of the major criticisms. Take a look at our other article on the Top 4 Criticisms of the Stages of Grief. This is a great place to begin learning about your own grief, but it is not the only theory that is out there. Later this month, I will publish an article lightly exploring some of the other theories and more actionable frameworks. Join us on our knowledge & healing journey by subscribing to our mailing list. By subscribing you will guarantee that you won’t miss out on any of our new articles and you will receive a sneak peek of the next week’s posts.
I started learning about the grief I was enduring after I lost my Mom in 2017. The first thing that I remembered about grief was that we are supposed to go through stages. That gave me hope because I believed that I could try to move through these stages and the hurting would finally stop.
I turned on my computer and searched for “the stages of grief”. From there I began a long journey of learning about how to heal from a major loss. While grieving I became worried that I wasn’t grieving properly. I felt like I was in the Anger phase longer than I was supposed to be. I couldn’t figure out how to move on to Bargaining which made me feel even more angry. Before I knew it I was in the Acceptance stage without ever passing through the other stages.
I thought I wouldn’t find closure unless I found a way to go through all of the stages. As I searched for other people’s experiences with the grieving process, I found that there are several prominent psychologists that are quite critical about the stages of grief theory.
We recently covered the many variations of Stage Theory and how they apply to bereaved people. If you didn’t get a chance to see that in-depth article, or if you want to review some of the concepts of the stages of grief, you can see it here.
Arguments Against Stage Theory
A quick search of “arguments against the stages of grief” will reveal a number of long form articles by highly credentialed people debating the merit of stage theory. You should read as many of those articles as you can, but if you only have time to read one then this is the one you should read.
Many of the criticisms can be boiled down into 4 major categories: Misrepresenting the grieving process, negative consequences to bereaved people, lack of depth, and lack of evidence. I’ll summarize each criticism below.
Misrepresenting The Grieving Process
The idea that the grieving process can be distilled into a salient 5 bullet process that smoothly progresses from one stage to the next is an oversimplification of the real experience a bereaved person may go through. The grief that someone experiences is usually neither linear nor completely captured by the stages of grief. Instead, just like me, people may not experience all of the stages. Grieving people may not experience the stages in the order described in the models. Some people will actually experience more than one stage simultaneously.
The five stages of grief by Dr. Kubler-Ross were initially meant to describe the grief that someone confronting the end of their own life will face. Too often the stages are used to forecast the course of grief that a bereaved person will experience. The two major errors here are applying the 5 stages of grief to a bereaved person and trying to predict the future using this model.
The model also mixes emotions with processes which muddles the entire theory. Denial is a defense mechanism. Anger is an emotion. Bargaining is an action. Depression is an emotion. Acceptance is a cognitive process. The lack of consistency makes it difficult to put the stages in any order that is sequential.
By having a series of stages, people often infer that there is an amount of time that one will remain in each stage before progressing to the next. Because every bereaved individual has a unique experience, there is no set time frame to remain in any individual stage or experience the stages in a particular order.
Negative Consequences Of Using Stage Theory
One of the unintended consequences of adhering to the stages of grief models is that bereaved people may have unrealistic expectations about what their grieving experience will be like. Some people will feel better in being able to self-identify with the stages. Those that don’t may feel that there is something wrong with them (like I did).
Even worse than a bereaved person setting unrealistic standards for themselves is when the people that are supposed to support them do it. Imagine someone is sobbing quietly to themselves. Externally it looks as though the person may be depressed. Staying in the framework of stage theory, the person may actually be angry. They express their anger internally rather than externally. The last thing this person wants to hear from another person is that they are depressed. That is only likely to hurt them more and delay their journey to recovery.
Lack Of Depth in Explanation
Because the Kübler-Ross model was created after having over 200 conversations with the terminally and dying, it was a reflection on broad themes present in the conversations. The 5 stages didn’t originate from a scientific hypothesis which was then validated with data. The 5 stage model doesn’t explain why the stages are ordered in a specific sequence. There is also no explanation about the underlying mechanisms that are responsible for people feeling varying degrees of intensity in each stage.
Lack Of Evidence
Yale conducted a study on bereavement that followed 233 people that survived their spouses for a period of 24 months. The study found some evidence that people will experience some of the stages some of the time. However, the study did not support the sequence of stages nor did it account for a strong yearning that the bereaved experience.
Conclusion:
Now that you know the major criticisms of the stages of grief, I hope you can find some comfort if your own grieving isn’t following this model. As we grieve we are already subjected to enough emotional strain. The last thing that we need is to feel additional stress that we “aren’t processing our loss correctly”. Don’t compare your grieving to anyone else’s. Your journey is unique and is exactly what you need to heal. The two most important actions you can take are to focus on your own healing and recognize when you may need the guidance of a professional.
If you are interested in other grief theories you should look at our articles covering The New Model of Grief by Dr. Tony Walter, and Psycho-Social Transition Theory by Dr. Colin Murray Parkes. Check back soon because I will publish a new article that goes over some of the alternative theories about how we grieve. Join our mailing list to be notified about that post and to receive a sneak peek at next week’s content.
There are a number of different grief theories that contain excellent advice about healing that you may have never heard of. Every time I read an article, blog post, research paper, or book about grief I learn something that helps with my personal experience with bereavement. The more that I learn, the more comfortable I am with grief and the easier it is to process my ongoing grief. This article is designed to give you an overview of some of these theories. This post will be updated as I encounter more grief theories. Check back for updates soon!
Dr. Kübler-Ross wrote a book summarizing her experience and conversations with over 200 patients that were facing the end of their own lives. This is widely regarded as the theory that brought grief theory to the mainstream.
Dr. Parkes says in his 1971 paper introducing Psycho-Social Transitions that “Grief is seen as a process of “realization” by means of which affectional bonds are severed and old models of the world and the self are given up”
Affectional bonds are the ties we make to aspects of our lives that we believe make up our identity. Anything that can be described as “mine” (my car, my school, my family, my city, etc) carries an affectional bond.
The main model of grief can be summarized by Dr. Walter’s quote in his paper A New Model of Grief: Bereavement and Biography, “Trying to grasp the reality of the deceased being gone but yet being here, and doing this through continuously monitoring that reality by talking to those who knew them.”
The model has 5 prominent elements
1. Many bereaved people want to talk to others who knew the deceased
2. Talking to a counselor or self-help group is second best
3. The purpose of grief is not to move on without the deceased, but to find a secure place for them. For the place to be secure, the image of the deceased has to be reasonably accurate as tested by others who knew the deceased.
4. It is difficult to connect with others who knew the deceased because of a more mobile, secular, and bureaucratic society.
5. Bereavement is part of the process of (auto)biography, and the biographical imperative – the need to make sense of self and others in a continuing narrative – is the motor that drives bereavement behavior.
Dual Process 1999 Dr. Henk Schut, PhD & Dr. Margaret Stroebe PhD
Originally developed to better understand the loss of a partner
There are two categories of events that cause stress for the bereaved
Loss Oriented – “The Concentration on, and dealing with, processing of some aspect of the loss experience itself, most particularly, with respect to the deceased person
Focusing on the bond with the deceased person and the circumstances surrounding the death
Yearning for the deceased
Looking at old photos
Imagining how the deceased would react in various situations
Crying about the death of the loved one
Restoration Oriented – Secondary sources of stress “When a loved one dies, not only is their grief for the deceased person, one also has to adjust to substantial changes that are secondary consequences of loss. In many bereavements, these additional sources of stress add considerably to the burden of loss and cause extreme additional anxiety and upset.”
Household Finances
Cooking
Reorganization of life without the loved one (ie: selling a home)
Identity Changes (spouse to widow(er) )
Driving
Oscillation –
Alternating between the Loss Oriented stressors and the Restoration Oriented stressors
Confrontation and Avoidance of Grief – “At times the bereaved will be confronted by their loss, at other times they will avoid memories, be distracted, or seek relief by concentration on other things.”
Below there are some theories that I know of but haven’t been able to read the actual academic papers covering them yet. I’ll link to some of my favorite blogs and resources that already cover the theories.
Grief and bereavement are deeply personal and fluid experiences. There is not a single grief theory that will fit your experience perfectly. Instead of trying to find the theory that explains your experience, I think it is better to pick and choose the pieces that work for you from the buffet of theories that exist.
I’ve compiled a list of the best practices in grief that helped my wife and I through the loss of our loved ones. I’ll also be adding a series of articles from professionals, religious leaders, and normal people sharing their experiences with bereavement. I’m sure that if you encounter more information and stories you will find something that resonates with you. It’s true that our grief experiences are unique, but you are not alone in your journey.
I know you probably found this article because you are most likely in a hurry and wondering what the best gifts for new parents are. I’ll tell you what the best gift is upfront, but you should read on to see why it is the best gift. At face value you may think I’m crazy. I promise that not only is this the perfect gift for new parents who have everything, but it doubles as a unique baby gift!
A simple blank journal that you can pick up from any local store. It can have lines or be completely empty. The only important part is that it is a high enough quality to endure the next 18-22 years of use. A “high quality” journal will have thicker pages (you’ll know what I mean after you look at several in person), a durable cover (think more along the lines of genuine leather instead of plastic), and the binding method should look sturdy.
After finding a journal that will last for decades, the next and most enjoyable part is finding a unique design. Be careful not to select a design that is too strong because this journal is not for the new parent. This journal is ultimately a gift for the new child! Choose a design that will please the parent and is mild enough to appeal to most people. It’s going to be a long time until the child reveals their lasting preferences and personality!
Why a journal is the best gift for a new parent
Baikie, K., & Wilhelm, K. (2005). Emotional and physical health benefits of expressive writing. Advances in Psychiatric Treatment, 11(5), 338-346. doi:10.1192/apt.11.5.338
This journal isn’t so much of a journal as it is an extended letter from parent to child. Stay with me for a moment. I’m going to approach this from four perspectives. One of the reasons this is one of the most awesome baby gifts for new parents is how beneficial it is to the parent and how the meaning of this journal changes during the child’s life. I’ll start with the parent’s perspective and then illustrate how the journal changes in the child’s eyes as time presses on.
The Parent’s Perspective
I’m struggling to craft a great opener for this section because there is nothing I can say to fully encompass the journey you will go on as a new parent. I think Themistocles from 300: Rise of an Empire said it best. I’m going to make some slight editorial enhancements to fit our scenario.
“My brothers [and sisters]. Steady your heart. Look deep into your souls. For your mettle is to be tested this day [each day from this moment forward]. If in the heat of battle [parenting] you need a reason to fight on, you need only to look at the man who fights at your side [your beautiful child’s face as they sleep]. This is the why of battle [parenting]. This is the brotherhood [league] of men [parenthood] in arms. An unbreakable bond made stronger by the crucible of combat [raising children]. You will never be closer than with those who you shed your blood with [spend each day molding and teaching]. For there is no nobler cause than to fight for those who will lay down their life for you [carry our lineage into the future]. So you fight strong today. You fight for your brothers [children]. Fight for your families. Most of all you fight for Greece [Humanity].”
A bit dramatic, I know. For those that have had children, you recognize the truth of it. For those that have not had children, trust that while dramatic, it is not exaggerated. As new parents you will constantly feel unsure of what to do, how to say it, question if you are making the best decision for your child, whether you were too hard on them, or struggle to express how much you care.
This journal can act as a therapeutic tool where you can explain your rationale for what you did or layout your feelings about something that happened. This journal should be viewed as an opportunity to explain to your child why you raised them the way you did. You should capture the moments that fill your heart with joy, left you speechless with shock or confusion, and when you know you should have done something differently. It’s easy to get lost in all of the challenges you will face with, and alongside of, your child.
You can explain why you made that difficult decision to relocate that took your child away from their friends. You can talk about the struggles you faced when your child was seriously hurt or battled a disease. If you have the courage, you can write how you felt when your child mimicked your bad behavior for the first time. (This was a complex entry for me to write!) The subjects on what you include are limited only by your life experiences.
You should record the extraordinary and the mundane. You should record your favorites and your child’s favorites. When you have moments when you are struggling, you will be able to look back through the journal and recognize all that you have overcome and how much your child has grown. By reviewing this journal, you can continually refine your parenting style until you are the parent you want to be.
Child’s Perspective As A Young Adult
Reflect back to when you left home. Whether you left for college or a career. You are now an adult, whether you are ready or not. The weight of lifelong consequences now hovers over every choice that you make. You are getting advice from professors, friends, YouTubers, bosses, and of course family. Life is moving so fast you don’t have time to really think about what you are doing. You just do it. (Nike, don’t sue me!)
You have moved away from home to pursue an incredible opportunity. In the absence of the only support network you have ever known, your family, you start to feel the overwhelming pressure of the mountain you are about to climb. Then you remember you have your journal! The journal that your parents gave you on your 18th birthday!
The journal that your parents have been writing in since the day you were born. The journal that contains stories about all of the greatest achievements of your life. The journal that has your favorite memories. The journal that has your life story.
As you reflect on the stories through the journal and see your parents’ handwriting, you feel a sense of strength and warmth growing in you. You are now ready to eat that elephant in front of you, and the fire in your belly is now big enough to dive into your challenge! At this stage in the child’s life, the journal serves as a tool to invoke strength, stave off homesickness, and a source of happiness.
Child’s Perspective As A New Parent
Imagine you just found out you and your spouse are expecting your first child. You have been planning this pregnancy for several years. You have read every book, from healthy baby sleeping habits to peaceful parenting and “elimination communication.” Or this pregnancy is a surprise gift in your life that you have had zero time to prepare for. In either scenario, the fear of the unknown continues to grow as the pregnancy progresses. It doesn’t matter what book you read, what videos you watch, or who you talk to. You can’t find a relief valve for the mounting pressure. All of this information you have found is great, but it is abstract, idealized, and difficult to relate to if you haven’t done it before.
Then you remember the journal that your parents gave you! This journal not only reminds you of the weird quirks of when you were a kid, but it also contains your parents’ thoughts about each of those weird stories. The journal has the reflections of your parents on what they wish they had done differently in some of your challenging moments growing up. The book also has their proudest moments of you. As you read through this journal, you realize it is the single best parenting book in the world, and it was explicitly personalized for you!
The best part of this parenting book is that you can relate to every situation inside. You know that these parenting strategies work out pretty well because they are the reason you are the amazing person you are! You couldn’t understand why your parents said or did things as you were living through it, but now you can look at the situation with a new set of eyes.
Not only does this journal contain parenting advice, but it also contains your favorite activities and foods as you were growing up. You remember that you loved your mom’s special goulash and think your child might like it as well. Luckily, your mom wrote the exact recipe in your journal! You and your dad made up a game that only the two of you knew about. You both would spend hours every week playing the game, but you can’t remember what the rules were or even what the game was about. Now you can share your favorite childhood experiences with your children!
Child’s Perspective After A Parent Passes Away
I know this isn’t a topic that is comfortable to think about, let alone talk about. The nature of this website is about helping people process the grief related to losing a loved one. In my opinion, the single greatest tool to move through grief is recording positive memories. Losing a loved one is challenging for many reasons, but the threat of losing the memories of the deceased is one of the biggest.
Imagine after losing your parent, when the funeral is done, and as people transition away from group mourning, you are left alone at night struggling to envision a future without your parent. The experience will be harrowing, and your pain is based on the unique relationship that you shared together. Maybe you can talk to your siblings, your other parent, your other family members, your spouse, friends, therapist, or support group. However, they still won’t be able to appreciate the connection you shared with your parent. Then you remember the journal!
As you open the cover to the journal, you are overwhelmed by recognizing your parent’s handwriting. It’s almost as if they are sitting there with you as you read over the words. You read through the pages and come across an entry where your parent explains how much they love you, how proud they are of you, and how excited they are for your future.
Each page inside this journal is a precious treasure.
The entire journal is filled with the spirit of your parent. This journal now allows you to connect directly with your parent whenever you want to. You can now keep your relationship alive in a healthy way. In my post about the New Model of Grief, I point out that Dr. Tony Walter mentions that the purpose of grief isn’t to move on without the deceased but to find a secure place for them. I would argue that there is no more secure place than in this personalized journal.
Examples of what I include in my children’s Life Journals
Sometimes it can be challenging to know what to write in your journal. I thought it might be helpful to see how I structure them and what kind of content I include in the journals I am making for my kids
My wife and I each have our own journals for the kids.
My wife is Taiwanese, and we believe it is important for the kids to participate in my wife’s culture as much as possible. This is beneficial for a couple of reasons.
My wife’s mother language is Mandarin, and she best expresses herself in that language and using traditional Chinese characters. My wife can express herself using all of the nuance and wordplay that accurately reflects her personality without being bogged down by English. The kids are also forced to learn to read traditional Chinese characters and participate in my wife’s culture to fully appreciate their mother’s writings.
My wife and I are different people. We share morals but still view the world differently. We can each offer our dissenting perspectives on the events of our children’s lives in a way that the kids can appreciate when they are older. They can gain insight into how the same scenario affected their parents differently.
Examples of Entries
Each of my children’s journals opens and closes with a poem that I chose for them.
My Daughter’s Journal (oldest child)
My wife was recovering during one of the first days that we were home from the hospital. I took my crying daughter into the next room to comfort her. After she calmed down, I turned her so I could look at her beautiful little face. As I reflected on this child’s incredibleness and daydreaming about all of the great memories we will create as a family, something assaulted my nose.
I didn’t recognize the smell. Before I had time to even consider what the smell could be, I felt the warm waterfall that was pouring down all over me. I looked down and realized that my daughter was having her first significant bowel movement. It was more than the diaper and I could handle. I yelled for my wife to come save us both.
Because my daughter is my firstborn, she has the unlucky privilege of being the experimental child. I often find myself writing about the mistakes I think I made with her, the reason why I did those things, and what I wish I had done differently. I still talk to her about my mistakes in person after they happen, but I think she will absorb my apologies better when she isn’t stuck in a 3-year-old mind.
My Middle Son’s Journal
From the moment my son could walk, he has always had a craving first thing in the morning. The craving is so intense that he will break down crying like something you’d expect in a Korean drama sitcom. When the clocks in my kids’ rooms turn green, my daughter (3 years old) opens her door and then opens my middle son’s (16 months) door, and they both come racing out. My daughter looks for my wife and me to get morning hugs and kisses. My son runs straight to the kitchen to ask for Dad’s Famous Blueberry Muffins.
He won’t even let us change his poopy diaper until he gets to eat a little muffin. If the muffins aren’t ready, then he puts his hands to his mouth, his eyes start watering, he collapses to the floor, and then the acoustics kick in. Before you jump to conclusions, my wife and I don’t model this behavior, and he has never seen it on TV. This is just who my son is. I include the recipe for the Blueberry Muffins that he loves so much just behind the journal entry explaining his morning routine.
In My Daughter and Middle Son’s Journals
I included a story about when they started to share the same room. My daughter was 3.5, and my son was around 20 months. Like every other parent, we invade our toddler’s privacy by having a camera in their room. One of the first few nights they were together, my son started crying. He had a fresh diaper, they had their nighttime milk, we read our books for the night, and everyone got hugs and kisses.
For some reason, he simply felt the need to cry. I turned on the camera to see if he was hurt. He was lying in his bed in the same position I left him in, except his blanket was off. I watched my daughter lean over the rail. I almost ran into the room to catch her from falling but decided to wait and see what happens. She was trying to look at her brother. She noticed that his blanket was off. She climbed down off the top bunk, walked over to her brother, put his blanket on, gave him a kiss on the forehead, and laid next to him. I turned on the microphone, and I could hear her gently saying, “It’s okay. It’s okay. I here with you. You are safe. It’s okay. I love you,” as she was rubbing his back. After my son was comforted, she climbed back into the top bunk and went to sleep.
After the story in my daughter’s journal, I wrote about how proud I was that she took care of her brother. I admire the young woman she is growing into. I talked about how her actions are so similar to her mother and part of the reason I love her mother so much.
After the story in my son’s journal, I wrote about how he may have fights with his sister in the future, but she is on his team and has loved him since he was born. I explained his relationship with his sister is extremely valuable. It is one of the only relationships that will be with him for his entire life. The last thought I wrote was that today his sister is bigger than he is, and she took care of and protected him. One day when he is bigger than her, he needs to take care of and protect her as well.
My Youngest Son’s Journal
My youngest son has been battling jaundice for, up to the time I am writing this, over 2 months. He has had multiple heel pricks each week to monitor his bilirubin levels and check for organ issues. Just yesterday, I had to take him to the hospital for an intravenous blood draw. The same kind of blood draws that we get as adults. The needle goes into the arm, and the blood goes into the vacuum tubes. Up until yesterday, it was just heel pricks and shots. My youngest son didn’t like the heel pricks and shots. He HATED the blood draw.
Holding him down during the draw was extremely difficult to do as a parent. He won’t ever remember this experience, but I want him to see some of the struggles of being a parent. One day he may need to go through a similar experience. Because this story is so personal, he may take more away from it than from an anonymous post on the internet. (I’m assuming books by the time he has a family will be relics that decay with any amount of sunlight.
Conclusion:
Personally, I don’t think there is a single more meaningful gift for the new parent or for their child than a handwritten journal. With the speed that technology is driving our lives, taking a step backward and using handwriting is unusual. That’s the key that makes this a unique and unusual gift. There is something so satisfying about holding something handwritten. You know how much love and care went into the writing just by the sheer amount of time required to produce it. This gift idea doesn’t have to be limited to just parents and children. This would be an incredible gift for grandparents as well! As a grandparent, you can record your family origins, history and share precious memories that will be passed on for generations to come.
What do you think of my recommendation for the best newborn baby gift idea for parents? How would you have felt if your parents gave you a journal filled with a director’s cut of your childhood? Have you started making a journal, and if so, what has your experience been like so far?
